I just sang in my practice room this morning and I feel fantastic! I'm very happy. I realize that I allow my voice to dictate my moods. When I'm not in good voice or things are just not working right I'm usually in a crappy mood (something I've gradually gotten better about though). When my voice is soaring and working well I couldn't be happier! Today's one of those days. I know that in the past few months I've been coming upon a healthier, better coordinated and more organic way of singing. I know that it is making it, not just easier for me to sing freely but also easier on the listeners ears. If I'm honest, in hindsight, I was probably singing with too much pressure and push and that was probably off-putting to many of the people hearing me. I think they all heard the moments when it was brilliant and free and liked that but maybe the people in the hiring seats heard the pushing and thought "Can I listen to 2 hours of this?" I think the way I'm singing now will turn the answer to that question into a definite, "yes". I WANT to listen to 2 hours of this.
So, what's even more amazing is that when I first decided to go back to school I wondered if deep down I wasn't giving up on the prospect of a career. I mean, I'm not getting any younger and whatnot. But, you know what? I'm not really giving up. I feel as if maybe I'm giving in. I'm giving in to whatever it is that might be my destiny. I just want to feel good about my singing. When I first started singing in the HS of Music and Art my voice brought me pleasure. And i could tell that when others heard it it brought them pleasure too. I have spent a good 20 years trying to come back around to that place where my voice brings me and others pleasure. I just want to get there. I want to get there and then share it whenever and however possible. If that means I end up having a modest career or only doing school recitals or just the occasional opera, well - I can't really change any of that. Deep down I think I still have the goods to deliver, vocally, musically, artistically, physically, dramatically. I think I have it. Someone just needs to see it and believe in it. But you know what? I've needed to believe in it first. And I haven't before. Not really. But I do now. And so I'm ready to just live the music and let the rest take care of itself.
It is what it is. I'm excited!
