God damn it!
I am bending over backwards to be nice to my mother. I realize she's lonely since dad died and I realize she really has no one else to run to with every little thing so I try to be patient. But I am BUSTING MY HIDE trying to revive whatever might be left of an opera career and, frankly, I've never worked this hard at it before. I just got back from Minneapolis from a visit with another dear singer friend. I love her. She's like a sister. But in part I wanted to also do a little networking because I realize that most of my more successful friends are good at the networking part of this business. And I think I may be going back for auditions now. Good. But I get back and call mom and what does she do? "Oooh! Good, you're back!?" I know this doesn't sound like a crime but you don't get it. It's not "oh I miss my baby"... she literally went on to say that she "doesn't know what she would do without me." So I proceeded to tell her that if things go well I will be gone longer and more often. She went quiet then asked, "But you'll be here for my next doctor's appointment in July, right?" You see?
She didn't ask about my trip, showed no interest in whether or not I got anywhere while I was there... nothing. Proceeded to describe her visit to her doctor and sounded panicked whenever I tried to say anything about my progress.
My tarot cards for the last two weeks have described a woman who will try to sabotage my efforts. Each time that card has come up I had a very strong feeling it refers to my mother. Not that she would "consciously" try to sabotage me. But the energy she sends in my direction and the energy she sends out to the universe is the opposite of what I really need. Which is why I have now made a very conscious decision to only deal with her when I have to. And, frankly, she should be happy I'm doing that. I keep her accounts, pay her bills and when I go visit I do whatever needs doing. She can't be happy that I'm trying to live my bliss then I can't give her more than a business relationship.
God damn it... Happy Mother's Day.
