Noi

Tu sei il mio segreto addorato
Ti porto con me in pieno sole come i fiori nel mio giardino.
Sorriso e scherzo come quando ero bambina
Tu, amore, nel cuore sacro
Sei una cosa ch'io copro dagli'occhi osservatore
ma anche si vede pienamente nella mia faccia.

Perché non voglio che parlano di noi come qualcosa brutta.
Perché noi, quando facciamo l'amore
Perché noi, quando ridiamo
Perché noi, quando bacciamo -
Noi siamo gli figli dorati di Dio
Dio, chi sa tutto.

Sa che noi veramente siamo cosa dal mondo eterno
D'un mondo di sole dove tutto e semplice e bello.
Ed io mantengo questo segreto
Poiché la gente vuole ridurre tali belli segreti.
Perché hanno paura di esso
e sono gelosi da noi.

Ma noi capiamo che le cose del mondo e le cose dal altro cielo
sono cose molto differenti che le cose della terra.
Questa comprensione è come possiamo vedere nei cuori d'un altro.
E questo è abbastanza.

I'M MAD AS HELL!!!!!!!!!

You know. I'm seething and angry and crazy and blubbering and I know this is supposed to be my HAPPY blog but, in truth, I see this as a good thing. Anger can be a motivator. And in my life, the times I've gotten good and angry have ended up being positive. So, I'll include this here.

I’M MAD. I MEAN, I’M LIKE CRAZY STUPID ANGRY!

Why am I not singing for a living? Why am I not, at the very least, getting hired??? Why? Why have I sung for 20 years with NO success in sight? And why do people still treat me like I’m the poor retarded girl who thinks she can fly? What am I missing? Why, if Martha thinks I’m sounding wonderful, and so many other people think I’m sounding wonderful, then why the hesitance to actually put me in the spotlight? What is it they’re hearing or seeing that makes them hesitate? What? How do I get over this hump? I WANT TO GET OVER THIS HUMP!!

Because I know I can do this in a way that will leave everyone wondering why on earth they didn’t put me on the big stage sooner. I just know it. I’ve had the reaction after a few performances and I’ve had people come up to me after in shock and awe because I don't give off all my energy at rehearsals. I save. I just think that's how I function. And then, at the performance, my colleagues, friends, audience members, are all shocked. I've had it happen almost everytime. They come up to me after like, "You were freaking phenomenal. The voice was more aligned and fluid than I've heard it, your acting was fantastic" etc. I had a director last year tell me he didn't think I had it in me in rehearsals and that he was really pleasantly surprised. He said the performance floored him and he actually asked, "where was that during rehearsal?" I don't know. That's the answer. I soak it all in and build it as I go then I let loose the day of. And maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe the people who are working with me worry it’s somehow a fluke. But I know I can deliver that more times than not.

Crap. I am so frustrated that fate hasn't somehow stepped in to shake up my dormant so-called career. Other people have walked in and sung for someone who felt like "this woman NEEDS to sing on my stage!" and then they're off. They start getting hired. Somehow, they've inspired someone to take a leap of faith. I need that. Whatever the hell that is, I need one or two such events to get me to start working so that I'm SEEN as a WORKING singer and no longer as some poor struggling singer. I NEED this to happen for me.

Singing - revisited

Funny thing. I just got up about 2o minutes ago and went to my piano. I took out some Brahms songs and some Strauss songs. Songs I haven't sung in years. First I attempted to pluck through the accompaniments on the piano and then I started singing. I sang through about five songs. That's when I realized. I'm not sick of singing. I love to sing. Maybe I'm just not so crazy about the pursuit of singing as a career. Maybe, on some level, I've never really wanted the career and it's just taken me all these years to separate the two things. Which begs a pretty interesting question. Now what?

Well, for starters, it's interesting to note that because I have a huge voice, everyone always wanted to hear me sing arias. Big, honking, impressive arias. And so, I haven't really spent long periods of time singing some of these beautiful art songs. The other thing I'm starting to learn about myself is that I love the music more than I love the singing. I love to make music. When I'm singing those big ole honking arias, sometimes the music gets lost because it's kind like gymnastics for the voice. These songs are little complex works of art. I started with Brahm's "Wie melodien" and worked my way into Strauss' "Allerseelen". These are songs where the piano is singing a duet with the singer. They are equal partners in creating a complete picture. I happen to love Duparc for this very same reason. You can swim in the harmony and your voice can ebb and flow with it. This is the stuff I really do enjoy singing. And yet, I haven't done very much of it.

I find it fascinating that it's taken me so many years to have a cohesive idea of what I really love about this art form. My ego was being stroked for so long. I had the "powerful, big, high, easy, florid" voice. Of course, I was born to be a huge, huge opera star. And that was the message my ego has spent years being fattened up on. Yet this huge career never evinced itself. I think, in part, due to the many mixed messages I was receiving but, in hindsight, also because of the many mixed messages I was likely giving out. I didn't really love most of what I was singing. I loved doing the tricks and getting the applause. But when I sit down to console my soul, it's these songs I tend to pull off the shelves. These songs and the Obradors and Nin-Culmell and Rodrigo. Montsalvage, Barber, Schubert, Donaudi. These self-contained treasures which I've used as warm ups and workouts to prepare for my "real" music. It's these songs that give me the most pleasure. So maybe I need to sing them more and maybe I need to sing what I love simply because I love to sing it. And for me, this will be enough.

I simply won't continue to chase the career just because many years ago someone said I should.

Why do I sing anyway?

I'm a singer. Have been for many years. I've had many people encouraging me and many people in high places who really felt I should have had a huge career. For some reason, that never happened and I felt like I let down a lot of people. Almost 20 years later, I am still chasing the dream but recently I started asking myself the question, "Why am I singing?" And I finally got my answer, "because I always have". At this point, I'm coming to realize that singing is kind of a habit. Something I've always done. It's also something I define myself by. But, honestly, I'm not even sure I enjoy it anymore. So, it seems sort of crazy to keep doing it. Sometimes I feel like I have to do it, like it's a compulsion of sorts. But many times I feel I don't really need it anymore. Lately, more and more it's like a phatom limb. The feeling's gone but I keep looking for it. Maybe it's just gone and like love lost, it's time to move on?

Just a thought.