You know? I think I freak out my friends. I don't mean to. Most of the time I'm a lot of fun, tell loads of jokes, am very silly, etc. But then, when I get in my crap moods and feel insecure and overwhelmed I think it's okay to voice my inner turpitude to my friends. But what I find is they get skiddish. They kind of go away and become unresponsive. I don't know if it's more like, "I can't deal with her" or if it's more like, "she's crazy" or if it's more like, "I don't know what to say to her when she's like this." Whatever it is, it makes me feel like a freak.
Am I the only one who tends to go on rants when something is on my mind? Is it really only a friendship if all you do is pretend to be happy even when you're not? Or if you don't voice things that are bothering you? Cuz it certainly feels that way to me. I can't seem to make any real friends since returning to school. I made a few friends, yes, but they don't seem to be enduring. You know? They don't include me in things or invite me to stuff and I've noticed a very definite sideways scuttle from them at times. I think they mostly like me but hold me at arm's length a bit. Like they know better than to get too entangled or else the barbs will get caught in their hair. It's weird. But it's been like that most of my life so I guess I'm kind of used to it.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Instability
I think that finally, after years of having various people say it to me, I'll have to come to terms with it and admit that maybe I'm just unstable. There, I said it.
It's not something Rob likes to hear me admitting to because in his world, acknowledging a shortcoming is like giving it life. But after years and years of pretending to be a completely rational and sane person, I don't find that I'm feeling any saner. In fact, I think lately I've had the most intense periods of feeling completely unhinged that I've ever had. Luckily, those days are filled with many other days when I feel just fine and happy. Otherwise it would seriously be time to commit me.
But this is exactly why I say I'm unstable. I do fluctuate between feeling totally okay and fine with my world as it is to be unbelievably despondent, angry and saddened about the way my life long ambitions have been met with increasingly closed doors.
The closed doors are an enormous problem lately. I sit in front of them and cry. Or I bang on them like a banshee and scream. Or I quietly stare at them in suffering and contemplation and inwardly seethe or die.
I'm doing so much inner dying lately that I'm not sure some days if I can't officially be classified as the walking dead. I think this is a problem. Seems like it is, don't you think?
And yet, I have days like this Sunday when I went for a walk and felt so good with the sun on my face and I met a couple who had a blue and gold macaw and I sang to them. The couple, the macaw and their dogs. And they loved my singing. And it was nice, for once, to have my singing appreciated.
I'm in this fucking obnoxious school where my singing might as well be nails on a chalkboard. The way I'm being treated is like so much crap. I walked in with high hopes and they've all been dashed. And, as if that weren't bad enough, I'm getting the crazy-lady look from certain people.
FINE! WHY DON'T I JUST BEHAVE LIKE THE CRAZY LADY THEN!!?? Seriously. I want to just start running around on campus behaving on the outside the way I feel on the inside. And then maybe they'll commit me and I just won't have to deal with this bullshit anymore.
(I realize this has been a complete unhinged rant. But that was the point. I wanted to go all stream of consciousness and this is what came out.)
It's not something Rob likes to hear me admitting to because in his world, acknowledging a shortcoming is like giving it life. But after years and years of pretending to be a completely rational and sane person, I don't find that I'm feeling any saner. In fact, I think lately I've had the most intense periods of feeling completely unhinged that I've ever had. Luckily, those days are filled with many other days when I feel just fine and happy. Otherwise it would seriously be time to commit me.
But this is exactly why I say I'm unstable. I do fluctuate between feeling totally okay and fine with my world as it is to be unbelievably despondent, angry and saddened about the way my life long ambitions have been met with increasingly closed doors.
The closed doors are an enormous problem lately. I sit in front of them and cry. Or I bang on them like a banshee and scream. Or I quietly stare at them in suffering and contemplation and inwardly seethe or die.
I'm doing so much inner dying lately that I'm not sure some days if I can't officially be classified as the walking dead. I think this is a problem. Seems like it is, don't you think?
And yet, I have days like this Sunday when I went for a walk and felt so good with the sun on my face and I met a couple who had a blue and gold macaw and I sang to them. The couple, the macaw and their dogs. And they loved my singing. And it was nice, for once, to have my singing appreciated.
I'm in this fucking obnoxious school where my singing might as well be nails on a chalkboard. The way I'm being treated is like so much crap. I walked in with high hopes and they've all been dashed. And, as if that weren't bad enough, I'm getting the crazy-lady look from certain people.
FINE! WHY DON'T I JUST BEHAVE LIKE THE CRAZY LADY THEN!!?? Seriously. I want to just start running around on campus behaving on the outside the way I feel on the inside. And then maybe they'll commit me and I just won't have to deal with this bullshit anymore.
(I realize this has been a complete unhinged rant. But that was the point. I wanted to go all stream of consciousness and this is what came out.)
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