Instability

I think that finally, after years of having various people say it to me, I'll have to come to terms with it and admit that maybe I'm just unstable. There, I said it.

It's not something Rob likes to hear me admitting to because in his world, acknowledging a shortcoming is like giving it life. But after years and years of pretending to be a completely rational and sane person, I don't find that I'm feeling any saner. In fact, I think lately I've had the most intense periods of feeling completely unhinged that I've ever had. Luckily, those days are filled with many other days when I feel just fine and happy. Otherwise it would seriously be time to commit me.

But this is exactly why I say I'm unstable. I do fluctuate between feeling totally okay and fine with my world as it is to be unbelievably despondent, angry and saddened about the way my life long ambitions have been met with increasingly closed doors.

The closed doors are an enormous problem lately. I sit in front of them and cry. Or I bang on them like a banshee and scream. Or I quietly stare at them in suffering and contemplation and inwardly seethe or die.

I'm doing so much inner dying lately that I'm not sure some days if I can't officially be classified as the walking dead. I think this is a problem. Seems like it is, don't you think?

And yet, I have days like this Sunday when I went for a walk and felt so good with the sun on my face and I met a couple who had a blue and gold macaw and I sang to them. The couple, the macaw and their dogs. And they loved my singing. And it was nice, for once, to have my singing appreciated.

I'm in this fucking obnoxious school where my singing might as well be nails on a chalkboard. The way I'm being treated is like so much crap. I walked in with high hopes and they've all been dashed. And, as if that weren't bad enough, I'm getting the crazy-lady look from certain people.

FINE! WHY DON'T I JUST BEHAVE LIKE THE CRAZY LADY THEN!!?? Seriously. I want to just start running around on campus behaving on the outside the way I feel on the inside. And then maybe they'll commit me and I just won't have to deal with this bullshit anymore.

(I realize this has been a complete unhinged rant. But that was the point. I wanted to go all stream of consciousness and this is what came out.)