PFO's

So, I was comparing notes with other auditioners. They call their rejection letters "PFO's" (I thought it meant Piss the Fuck Off, but I'm told it means Please Fuck Off. Either way, it means you've been rejected). In any case, I probably shouldn't feel bad because after comparing notes, it seems even many of the more seasoned and accomplished singers got like 100s of PFO's before seeing any real success. Maybe, if I hadn't spent so many years cringing from the PFO's I might be further along. If I'm honest with myself, I think the longest string of auditions I've ever done was probably a string of about 10 over the course of a month. And after 9 no's and 1 yes I was so drained that I stopped and didn't return to auditions for several more months. So, I have had a tendency to get discouraged by the rejections and then stop for a long period of time before returning.

If I'm further honest with myself, I've probably done only about 60 auditions or so ever. Of those, I probably got 15 - 20 of them. So, percentage wise, I'm actually not in bad shape. But the 40 or so rejections hit hard. I suppose what I'm learning is that I can't afford to get bent now and take any breaks. I have to do like 50 in a row this time and not even look back. If my more successful friends have had to withstand 100s of PFOs then I need not to get bent about 10 or 20 or them, if it comes to that.

At the moment, I seem to have one PFO and one non confirmed PFO. Onward.

:-)

Popping Pills

Okay, this morning I'm drinking a yogurt drink while popping vitamin B, D and A and also a Melatonin tablet and aspirin. That's 5 pills. As I'm doing this I'm thinking to myself, "I'm doing this cuz I've been feeling rundown lately and I want to put stuff in my body that will help me out and give me nutrients." But then I had this very morbid realization. I didn't need any "help" before. I felt perfectly fine and energetic without this crap. But something happened in the last few years where now my body needs "help". Despite trying to exercise and eat a varied and mostly healthy diet, making sure to include fruits and veggies each day plus fish a couple of times a week. Despite all this, I still have days when my body just feels like it's not quite functioning up to snuff. Something aches or I just feel sluggish. So I've started taking vitamins and baby aspirin daily cuz I am trying to feel better (the aspirin are to help thin my blood because I found out a couple years ago my platelets are big and I'm probably a candidate for clots).

So, after realizing that I am stuffing pills down my throat in order to feel better, I had a further panicky realization! "This is just practice for the real thing, isn't it!?" The vitamins and ocassional pain killer are just a warm up!! Your body starts to send little signals out that things are slightly off kilter so you'll reach for something in a bottle to help strengthen your immune system or help your hair and nails grow or loosen your blood so it won't clog you prematurely. But then one day you NEED things in little bottles - lots of them. Then it only gets worse!! This is just Act I!! By the time you get to Act IV, you're not shaking out little pills because you feel somewhat slow on the treadmill. No, now you're taking large pills because you can't pee normal or your eyes fog over or you can no longer digest oatmeal or your hand trembles uncontrollably when you're trying to open a jar of applesauce!! Oh My God!! My head starts to scream!! These vitamins and yogurt drink are the beginning of the slippery slope!! It's just a practice run!! Get used to little bottles and funny drinks cuz that's where we're all headed eventually!!

And now, I would like to apologize for that completely irresponsible and insensitive freak out.

The Tequileria!!

OH!! Almost forgot!!! Yesterday, at the airport, coming back from my audition in St. Petersburg, FL, this CUTE guy bought me a drink. That almost never happens to me. I mean, I see myself as the fat chick who guys don’t want to go near. Right? They don’t see me at the bar and offer to buy me drinks!! But we sat and had a very lovely chat. He seemed sweet. Actually, what’s weird is that by the time we got done talking I gave him my card. Not cuz I’m hoping to make him my next conquest, but cuz I just freaking liked him. I thought to myself, “if I’m ever back in St. Pete’s, this guy seems like he’d be nice to hang out with”. Really. It’s strange. I used to be so flattered if someone flirted with me that I’d immediately think “I wonder if…” but I guess I’m growing up. I just want friends. I know men supposedly don’t think that way and he probably was thinking he wanted to grab my boobs or something. But that won't happen cuz he strikes me as a lothario. He probably nails everyone he can get his hands on, so I really wouldn’t want to be made into another “notch”. But he also seemed smart, well traveled, cute, very witty and, from all he said, he knows where all the hot places are to have fun down there. So I hope he rings me or emails me cuz I wouldn’t mind hanging out with him if I were to end up down there.

Despite knowing I didn’t do the greatest audition, I am still holding out a tiny bit of hope that they say through my nerves and my rolls of fat and somehow, through the grace of God, have decided to give the fat chick a role in their little opera house.

2 down, 298 more to go

I studied for a while with a voice teacher who didn't really do a freaking thing for my voice, but she had been a big diva for a few years - very famous. She told me how the year before she finally got her big break she'd been to like 300 auditions and gotten rejected pretty much that many times. She worked on her technique diligently and then, suddenly started getting acceptances (but still a few rejections, she admitted).

So, after hiding for a year, I've decided I'm just going to audition until I just can't do it anymore. I just did 2 this week. The first one went REALLY well. But already I got a call saying they aren't offering me a role. That one is actually sort of understandable. My husband was with me. He said it sound glorious from outside. They have a small hall and, quite frankly, my voice seemed too big. He said you could hear me clearly outside where as the next person (I was still getting my things together) you could only sort of hear them through the door. So, I don't feel bad about that rejection. I sensed while I was singing that they liked me and they even asked questions about my availability. But maybe they did decide it would be too much for their small space.

Then I just came back from doing another. That one I don't feel as good about. I've never ever done well in auditions where you have to stand around waiting. And this was one of those. I was waiting in the hall with the other singers for 2 hours. I have got to figure out what happens when I have to wait the gets my voice a little out of my body. I didn't sing badly. I sang pretty well. But it wasn't my best. There were moments when I knew I wasn't fully anchored and moments when I could hear some of my old bad habits creeping in. It just wasn't good enough to nail the job, in my opinion. They were sweet and gracious but somehow I don't think I got it.

BUT, I will say this. It used to be if I did an audition that didn't go well or if I did ANY audition, I'd be freaking out completely for the next few days. I think that's getting better. Don't get me wrong, I have a little of that going on and I had a shot of tequila on my way home to take the edge off. Then I started thinking how I've been at this forever and still have nothing approaching success and I wanted to drown myself in a bottle. BUT, this morning I'm relatively okay and ready to get back in the saddle. I'm being methodical.

I have to keep strengthening the breathing (which I realized a couple of months ago has never reeeaally been completely right). Since I started doing those new exercises I have been making huge strides in overcoming the two big knocks on my voice. The two biggest knocks on my voice for yeeeeeears have been that there’s a flutter in the sound (this has been greatly smoothed but when I’m nervous, like in an audition, it still has a tendency to rear it’s hideous head) and that my middle and low notes do not match the top. This has all but been solved in the past few months. I just realized I probably shouldn’t get too down on myself for not landing the auditions I just did because, in truth, I’m making progress despite the lack of success. It used to be I’d go into an audition with a big fat aria and you’d hear all my high notes but my lower notes and middle notes had no freedom, sometimes sounded held back and the middle mix was non-existent. There really was a huge break there. My coach agrees that in the past 2 months these things are all but resolved. However, it will probably take a handful of auditions more before it translates under pressure. I'm trying not to let that stop me.

You make me drunk

Dear God,

There are things in this world that have the power to fix me right up no matter what ails me.

In no particular order...

Communing with nature either alone or with a good friend or special lover
A good, hard, sweaty workout
Singing to my highest potential
Dancing without a care
Making love with someone who leaves you feeling listless, drunk and grinning

Thank you for that power.

Seel.