I studied for a while with a voice teacher who didn't really do a freaking thing for my voice, but she had been a big diva for a few years - very famous. She told me how the year before she finally got her big break she'd been to like 300 auditions and gotten rejected pretty much that many times. She worked on her technique diligently and then, suddenly started getting acceptances (but still a few rejections, she admitted).
So, after hiding for a year, I've decided I'm just going to audition until I just can't do it anymore. I just did 2 this week. The first one went REALLY well. But already I got a call saying they aren't offering me a role. That one is actually sort of understandable. My husband was with me. He said it sound glorious from outside. They have a small hall and, quite frankly, my voice seemed too big. He said you could hear me clearly outside where as the next person (I was still getting my things together) you could only sort of hear them through the door. So, I don't feel bad about that rejection. I sensed while I was singing that they liked me and they even asked questions about my availability. But maybe they did decide it would be too much for their small space.
Then I just came back from doing another. That one I don't feel as good about. I've never ever done well in auditions where you have to stand around waiting. And this was one of those. I was waiting in the hall with the other singers for 2 hours. I have got to figure out what happens when I have to wait the gets my voice a little out of my body. I didn't sing badly. I sang pretty well. But it wasn't my best. There were moments when I knew I wasn't fully anchored and moments when I could hear some of my old bad habits creeping in. It just wasn't good enough to nail the job, in my opinion. They were sweet and gracious but somehow I don't think I got it.
BUT, I will say this. It used to be if I did an audition that didn't go well or if I did ANY audition, I'd be freaking out completely for the next few days. I think that's getting better. Don't get me wrong, I have a little of that going on and I had a shot of tequila on my way home to take the edge off. Then I started thinking how I've been at this forever and still have nothing approaching success and I wanted to drown myself in a bottle. BUT, this morning I'm relatively okay and ready to get back in the saddle. I'm being methodical.
I have to keep strengthening the breathing (which I realized a couple of months ago has never reeeaally been completely right). Since I started doing those new exercises I have been making huge strides in overcoming the two big knocks on my voice. The two biggest knocks on my voice for yeeeeeears have been that there’s a flutter in the sound (this has been greatly smoothed but when I’m nervous, like in an audition, it still has a tendency to rear it’s hideous head) and that my middle and low notes do not match the top. This has all but been solved in the past few months. I just realized I probably shouldn’t get too down on myself for not landing the auditions I just did because, in truth, I’m making progress despite the lack of success. It used to be I’d go into an audition with a big fat aria and you’d hear all my high notes but my lower notes and middle notes had no freedom, sometimes sounded held back and the middle mix was non-existent. There really was a huge break there. My coach agrees that in the past 2 months these things are all but resolved. However, it will probably take a handful of auditions more before it translates under pressure. I'm trying not to let that stop me.
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