So, I was rereading some of my posts and got to the one where I say I'd rather be friends with people who like my singing than with those who don't. And I realize how bad that probably sounds. But it's not like I only make friends with people who like my singing. As it turns out, the woman mentioned in that post has become a nice enough acquaintance but I don't see us becoming friends. The reason I posted that was that when I sang Vitelia, I started to make friends with this guy who was in the chorus. He seemed nice enough but then 2 days after the performance, when I was still feeling VERY GOOD about myself and had lots of huge compliments and the conductor said it was a pleasure really making music with me, etc. I was feeling so freaking good about myself as a singer. But this guy just couldn't wait for a little time to go by. He just had to jump in there and burst my bubble. He emails me 2 days later and says something like, "well, your vibrato isn't really to my liking and I think you need to fix it if you want to have a career but I think you did a nice job." WHAT!?
Seriously, if you value someone and are trying to become their friend, that is the kind of thing you either a) keep to yourself or b) wait until you are better, closer friends and then, TASTEFULLY, you might bring it up IF the opportunity arises. You don't just blurt this out in an email right after a successful performance. Anyway, that's why I figure if I'm going to have friends I need to feel they're on my side. They don't need to love every little thing I do or say or sing, but they should more or less, generally, be on my side. I don't think that's a lot to want in a friendship.
But since I'm on the subject, I must say I've always had a problem making and keeping friends. People always kind of freak me out. I've been burned by people I thought were really good friends and so I have learned to just keep my distance. I'm very guarded, which maybe people read and they keep their distance because I'm sending out guarded signals... who knows?
It's just hard to see all these people in school chattering away with each other and know that when I try to join in the conversation I'm kind of the odd-man out. I am finding it hard to really connect with anyone in this school. There are a couple of women I'd like to befriend because they're closer to my age and are singers, etc. But because I'm an undergrad I don't have much contact with them. I'm in a crappy situation. Most of the people around me are younger than me and they are sweet and nice to me but I think they see me as "that older transfer woman" and don't really include me. It's just awkward all around.
So far, the only person I've managed to make friends with is the one person who's LEAVING! How do I do this to myself?
Oh well. I suppose it will all shake out somehow.
