After my psych class, this guy walked up and asked George if he thought people can go their whole lives just not addressing some bad event and keeping there, unaddressed without necessarily turning to the torture of animals. On the drive home I thought about that some more. That guy sounds like there's something deep seeded that he wants to just sweep under the rug. I know all about that behavior. My husband is a huge rug sweeper type. It doesn't seem to result in any serious behavioral problems or "issues" (i.e., torturing small animals). But it does have an affect on him and on me sometimes, whether he realizes it or not.
Anyway, that conversation got me to thinking about all the different ways people cope with things. I said there were two great divides, in my view. People turn behavior inward or outward. But, while driving, I realized that can be either negative or positive. I think there is a great impetus to react negatively to negative events. In my view, the greater categories this falls into are 1) Negative affect turned out and 2) Negative affect turned inward. But then I thought some more and I realized there are plenty of people who've taken a horrible event and channeled it so it became a good thing. For example, the kid whose dad dies of heart disease and vows to be a great cardiac surgeon - and does! He could have easily become a Seligman and cut hearts out of mice or something but chose a different route. That begs the question - why? Why do so many people take their negative life events and run off to be rapists or drug abusers or cutters or killers and why do other people with similar pain go on to be doctors, lawyers, priests and Bach!?
Just something to ponder for today.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Aaaaw.
I bitch and moan a lot but in the end I think I manage to see the bigger picture. My sister and I had a shitty argument that started the night before she had to go to be induced to give birth till that very morning. I've been angry with her for months because of her past behavior and we hadn't really aired our grievances. I had a lot of pent up anger. And it all bubbled to the surface around my niece's birth.
I just returned from visiting my sister in the hospital and meeting my new niece and now I feel like a first class heel for allowing myself to get all wrapped up in anger and ruining what was already a difficult day for my sister. I really wasn't thinking. If I'd been thinking I would have considered her feelings. I would have considered how hard childbirth can be. I would have thought how an already emotional day was even more emotional because of her not having the baby's dad around, her not having her family nearby, the upheaval and stress of the past year. When I saw her sitting in the room juxtaposed with the couple next to her, sitting in the bed together, balloons, grandparents, etc. That's when I realized that my sister really had had a hard night and a very difficult day the day before and all I did was make it even harder. I'm hoping that maybe, in a weird way, I gave her something else to focus on rather than the sadness or anxiety. She could focus on hating me for being clueless and emotionally fucked up rather than on getting depressed for having to go it alone. At least... I hope in the end I managed to inadvertently make it less sad. Anger is more productive than depression sometimes.
So, I think we might be able to go forward from here without too much damage. I think I left the hospital today with a better understanding of what she's gone through. And if she ever treats me the way she did last year again, I will immediately clock her rather than stew.
I just returned from visiting my sister in the hospital and meeting my new niece and now I feel like a first class heel for allowing myself to get all wrapped up in anger and ruining what was already a difficult day for my sister. I really wasn't thinking. If I'd been thinking I would have considered her feelings. I would have considered how hard childbirth can be. I would have thought how an already emotional day was even more emotional because of her not having the baby's dad around, her not having her family nearby, the upheaval and stress of the past year. When I saw her sitting in the room juxtaposed with the couple next to her, sitting in the bed together, balloons, grandparents, etc. That's when I realized that my sister really had had a hard night and a very difficult day the day before and all I did was make it even harder. I'm hoping that maybe, in a weird way, I gave her something else to focus on rather than the sadness or anxiety. She could focus on hating me for being clueless and emotionally fucked up rather than on getting depressed for having to go it alone. At least... I hope in the end I managed to inadvertently make it less sad. Anger is more productive than depression sometimes.
So, I think we might be able to go forward from here without too much damage. I think I left the hospital today with a better understanding of what she's gone through. And if she ever treats me the way she did last year again, I will immediately clock her rather than stew.
RUN FROM YOUR LIFE!!
Nope. I'm not English impaired. I don't mean "run FOR your life," I mean what I say - RUN FROM YOUR LIFE!!
If you're one of the fortunate ones who looks around your life and has a more or less stable family and good friends and a job you don't absolutely loathe, this blog isn't for you. If you're one of the truly fortunate ones who grew up in a loving, stable home where your hopes and dreams were supported and there was an even handed approach to your parents' parenting and you now love your life, married your best friend, have a job you look forward to, then this blog will probably make you mad at me and prompt you to leave me comments like, "Life is what you make it" or "why so negative?" I don't even want to hear from you types cuz you don't get it and you never will. Go be wonderfully sane somewhere else.
No. This blog post is for those of you who look around your lives and wonder - how the fuck did I get here? This is not what I wanted. Now what do I do?
I'm no guru. I don't have answers. I'm just giving my opinions on this unpredictably snowy morning. I woke up with a brilliant epiphany today. I have spent the past several years watching other people have temper tantrums that last one, two years. They do whatever they want. They run from relationships, run into bad ones, leave them, yank everyone around and they seem fine. As a matter of fact - they don't see the blood shed around them. Those people dare to get angry when you finally put your foot down and tell them you've had enough. Those truly clueless people fall into another entirely different category - they're the blameless!! Yes, the clueless blameless! They're like idiot savants, only much less attractive.
However, I think I've learned something from this behavior. I've concluded that if more of us who are sick of our relatives or tired of being stepped on or hate our jobs, just walked out and went on our merry ways, we might all be happier. How many times haven't you felt like irresponsibly chucking it all and skipping out of town? If you've read this far, I'll guess 100s, if not 1000s of times. But most of us are too responsible to actually do that. After all, people are counting on us. But see... that's just it. This morning I woke up and took stock. Who exactly are these people counting on me? In what way am I keeping myself from doing things I'd like to do because I'm so concerned about what other people need from me? So it occurred to me. I need to run from my life.
They say the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results. Well, if you apply that to the way your live or the way you approach your relationships, it should also apply, right? So, let's say you're a mother who keeps loaning her irresponsible son money each time he bangs up his car, loses his glasses, breaks someone's window, etc. Each time he smiles his huge smile and says, "wow Mom, thanks for getting me outta that one... you're the best!" You lecture him a few minutes, he nods, pays back $20 of the loan and then the cycle repeats. Eventually, you are LIVID with him. Loathing your own son but feeling guilty that you loathe him. Feeling that mothers shouldn't feel this way towards their sons. So you bottle it up and keep doling out the cash. Your son has figured this out and keeps behaving the same way, lecture or not. You know what that mom needs to do?
RUN FROM HER LIFE!!
Either literally or figuratively, she needs to get out. Because out is the only way to break this cycle. She either needs to find a way to stop loaning him the money and stop the empty lectures or quite literally - move out. Not take him with her and let him learn the hard way. Because if she's truly miserable, continuing this behavior will not result in happiness.
And that's what I'm talking about. Psychologists would take weeks, months, years, to get someone to understand why she's allowing herself to be a doormat. Why she can't seem to draw boundaries. Then she'd have to learn to undo all those years of bullshit. I say, take a short cut.
RUN FROM YOUR LIFE.
Just don't be there. If you're not there, they can't come to you. They can't abuse your good faith. No need to feel guilty. Just go somewhere else for a while. Reset. Regroup. Relearn who you are and just what got you to this state. And then maybe you can start over. Or maybe you'll get enough distance between you and your life so you can view it like an outsider and return to it with a clearer view of things.
I know this is all terribly impractical advice for most people. But if I can figure out how to do it, I'm considering taking this advice and trying it on for size. If I do, I'll blog again from some undisclosed location.
If you're one of the fortunate ones who looks around your life and has a more or less stable family and good friends and a job you don't absolutely loathe, this blog isn't for you. If you're one of the truly fortunate ones who grew up in a loving, stable home where your hopes and dreams were supported and there was an even handed approach to your parents' parenting and you now love your life, married your best friend, have a job you look forward to, then this blog will probably make you mad at me and prompt you to leave me comments like, "Life is what you make it" or "why so negative?" I don't even want to hear from you types cuz you don't get it and you never will. Go be wonderfully sane somewhere else.
No. This blog post is for those of you who look around your lives and wonder - how the fuck did I get here? This is not what I wanted. Now what do I do?
I'm no guru. I don't have answers. I'm just giving my opinions on this unpredictably snowy morning. I woke up with a brilliant epiphany today. I have spent the past several years watching other people have temper tantrums that last one, two years. They do whatever they want. They run from relationships, run into bad ones, leave them, yank everyone around and they seem fine. As a matter of fact - they don't see the blood shed around them. Those people dare to get angry when you finally put your foot down and tell them you've had enough. Those truly clueless people fall into another entirely different category - they're the blameless!! Yes, the clueless blameless! They're like idiot savants, only much less attractive.
However, I think I've learned something from this behavior. I've concluded that if more of us who are sick of our relatives or tired of being stepped on or hate our jobs, just walked out and went on our merry ways, we might all be happier. How many times haven't you felt like irresponsibly chucking it all and skipping out of town? If you've read this far, I'll guess 100s, if not 1000s of times. But most of us are too responsible to actually do that. After all, people are counting on us. But see... that's just it. This morning I woke up and took stock. Who exactly are these people counting on me? In what way am I keeping myself from doing things I'd like to do because I'm so concerned about what other people need from me? So it occurred to me. I need to run from my life.
They say the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results. Well, if you apply that to the way your live or the way you approach your relationships, it should also apply, right? So, let's say you're a mother who keeps loaning her irresponsible son money each time he bangs up his car, loses his glasses, breaks someone's window, etc. Each time he smiles his huge smile and says, "wow Mom, thanks for getting me outta that one... you're the best!" You lecture him a few minutes, he nods, pays back $20 of the loan and then the cycle repeats. Eventually, you are LIVID with him. Loathing your own son but feeling guilty that you loathe him. Feeling that mothers shouldn't feel this way towards their sons. So you bottle it up and keep doling out the cash. Your son has figured this out and keeps behaving the same way, lecture or not. You know what that mom needs to do?
RUN FROM HER LIFE!!
Either literally or figuratively, she needs to get out. Because out is the only way to break this cycle. She either needs to find a way to stop loaning him the money and stop the empty lectures or quite literally - move out. Not take him with her and let him learn the hard way. Because if she's truly miserable, continuing this behavior will not result in happiness.
And that's what I'm talking about. Psychologists would take weeks, months, years, to get someone to understand why she's allowing herself to be a doormat. Why she can't seem to draw boundaries. Then she'd have to learn to undo all those years of bullshit. I say, take a short cut.
RUN FROM YOUR LIFE.
Just don't be there. If you're not there, they can't come to you. They can't abuse your good faith. No need to feel guilty. Just go somewhere else for a while. Reset. Regroup. Relearn who you are and just what got you to this state. And then maybe you can start over. Or maybe you'll get enough distance between you and your life so you can view it like an outsider and return to it with a clearer view of things.
I know this is all terribly impractical advice for most people. But if I can figure out how to do it, I'm considering taking this advice and trying it on for size. If I do, I'll blog again from some undisclosed location.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Insomniac Thoughts
I have crappy insomnia. It is 6:25 am and I've been up since 2:30am. I went to bed at 11pm exhausted after a stressful day. I must say, though, that I put my insomnia to good use. I got a bunch of things done and sent out emails and cleaned my downstairs bathroom which REALLY needed it. So... that's something, I guess.
I have too much on my mind. There's the obvious stuff. Dad and insurance and money and papers to be signed and mom and her results on Thursday and my sister giving birth soon and feeling torn about not being able to be at her side... that there is already plenty, I think. But for some reason, the thing that seems to be lingering in my brain this morning is how I feel about singing. I haven't sung very much in the 2 months that dad's been ill but I practiced a bit Monday so I wouldn't be totally unprepared for chorus Monday night and I am just having some strange feelings about singing. On the one hand I was pleasantly surprised that despite barely singing, my voice is feeling pretty good and sounding pretty decent. I feel that if I really wanted to, I could pull myself together and do some good singing within a short amount of time.
But do I really want to? That's the problem I'm grappling with. I don't feel compelled to sing anymore. Here I am finishing up a degree in music with the consideration of moving forward to a pedagogy degree. The other night my friend introduced me to someone and added, "she's an opera singer". The woman asked where I was singing and I answered "presently, nowhere." I'm an opera singer who's not singing. What's worse, I'm an opera singer who doesn't particular feel like singing. I mean, I do and I don't. I still work on my voice when I can (which lately has been almost never, but these are not normal circumstances). I still like my voice and like what I'm capable of doing with it and the responses I can elicit with it. I still fantasize about doing a great big fun role with orchestra and lately, I've been thinking it might be a good idea to record some songs and arias for posterity. So if I do decide to call it quits I can have something to point to and say, "I used to sing like this."
But I don't get a true charge out of it anymore. I still enjoy teaching very much but I'm just not sure that I want to do that on an ongoing basis as a means to a paycheck. It's as if everything I ever thought I knew about myself has been turned on its ear in the past couple of years. This has been coming slowly for the past few years, I think. But now I'm really feeling it. Now I really have this feeling that maybe my lifelong goal is ready to take a comfortable backseat to some new goals. I think I'll still sing on some level or another. And I entertain the fantasy that maybe I'll even get a nice juicy role to sing once or twice more before I really call it quits. But I think I am feeling an internal tug to move into completely new territory.
It goes back to that feeling of being "charged". My life isn't making me feel anything but studying psychology fills me with a new buzz I haven't felt in a long time. Buzz. I am trying to figure out what feels warm and inviting and what doesn't. I spent years chasing down the singing career but it never really felt warm and inviting. It felt a little chilling and threatening most of the time. And I spent most of my time feeling like I was slaying a dragon. I think I'd like not to do that anymore. I want to wrap the coming years of my life in a warm, comfortable, sometimes exilirating, blanket of new-lease-on-life. I want to walk towards the things that resonate in me. And since I've started taking psych courses I'm feeling something like new possibilities.
I've just signed up for neuropsychology over the summer. I'm not even sure what that is exactly. But I'm psyched cuz I am very excited to learn about the brain's connection to our emotions, memories, learning, behavior, habits, speech, etc... I find that stuff fascinating. And, in light of what's going on with dad, I think it will be helpful for me. At least that's my hope. I don't know... I'm letting myself get pulled by the warm wave. I think it's time.
I have too much on my mind. There's the obvious stuff. Dad and insurance and money and papers to be signed and mom and her results on Thursday and my sister giving birth soon and feeling torn about not being able to be at her side... that there is already plenty, I think. But for some reason, the thing that seems to be lingering in my brain this morning is how I feel about singing. I haven't sung very much in the 2 months that dad's been ill but I practiced a bit Monday so I wouldn't be totally unprepared for chorus Monday night and I am just having some strange feelings about singing. On the one hand I was pleasantly surprised that despite barely singing, my voice is feeling pretty good and sounding pretty decent. I feel that if I really wanted to, I could pull myself together and do some good singing within a short amount of time.
But do I really want to? That's the problem I'm grappling with. I don't feel compelled to sing anymore. Here I am finishing up a degree in music with the consideration of moving forward to a pedagogy degree. The other night my friend introduced me to someone and added, "she's an opera singer". The woman asked where I was singing and I answered "presently, nowhere." I'm an opera singer who's not singing. What's worse, I'm an opera singer who doesn't particular feel like singing. I mean, I do and I don't. I still work on my voice when I can (which lately has been almost never, but these are not normal circumstances). I still like my voice and like what I'm capable of doing with it and the responses I can elicit with it. I still fantasize about doing a great big fun role with orchestra and lately, I've been thinking it might be a good idea to record some songs and arias for posterity. So if I do decide to call it quits I can have something to point to and say, "I used to sing like this."
But I don't get a true charge out of it anymore. I still enjoy teaching very much but I'm just not sure that I want to do that on an ongoing basis as a means to a paycheck. It's as if everything I ever thought I knew about myself has been turned on its ear in the past couple of years. This has been coming slowly for the past few years, I think. But now I'm really feeling it. Now I really have this feeling that maybe my lifelong goal is ready to take a comfortable backseat to some new goals. I think I'll still sing on some level or another. And I entertain the fantasy that maybe I'll even get a nice juicy role to sing once or twice more before I really call it quits. But I think I am feeling an internal tug to move into completely new territory.
It goes back to that feeling of being "charged". My life isn't making me feel anything but studying psychology fills me with a new buzz I haven't felt in a long time. Buzz. I am trying to figure out what feels warm and inviting and what doesn't. I spent years chasing down the singing career but it never really felt warm and inviting. It felt a little chilling and threatening most of the time. And I spent most of my time feeling like I was slaying a dragon. I think I'd like not to do that anymore. I want to wrap the coming years of my life in a warm, comfortable, sometimes exilirating, blanket of new-lease-on-life. I want to walk towards the things that resonate in me. And since I've started taking psych courses I'm feeling something like new possibilities.
I've just signed up for neuropsychology over the summer. I'm not even sure what that is exactly. But I'm psyched cuz I am very excited to learn about the brain's connection to our emotions, memories, learning, behavior, habits, speech, etc... I find that stuff fascinating. And, in light of what's going on with dad, I think it will be helpful for me. At least that's my hope. I don't know... I'm letting myself get pulled by the warm wave. I think it's time.
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