I have crappy insomnia. It is 6:25 am and I've been up since 2:30am. I went to bed at 11pm exhausted after a stressful day. I must say, though, that I put my insomnia to good use. I got a bunch of things done and sent out emails and cleaned my downstairs bathroom which REALLY needed it. So... that's something, I guess.
I have too much on my mind. There's the obvious stuff. Dad and insurance and money and papers to be signed and mom and her results on Thursday and my sister giving birth soon and feeling torn about not being able to be at her side... that there is already plenty, I think. But for some reason, the thing that seems to be lingering in my brain this morning is how I feel about singing. I haven't sung very much in the 2 months that dad's been ill but I practiced a bit Monday so I wouldn't be totally unprepared for chorus Monday night and I am just having some strange feelings about singing. On the one hand I was pleasantly surprised that despite barely singing, my voice is feeling pretty good and sounding pretty decent. I feel that if I really wanted to, I could pull myself together and do some good singing within a short amount of time.
But do I really want to? That's the problem I'm grappling with. I don't feel compelled to sing anymore. Here I am finishing up a degree in music with the consideration of moving forward to a pedagogy degree. The other night my friend introduced me to someone and added, "she's an opera singer". The woman asked where I was singing and I answered "presently, nowhere." I'm an opera singer who's not singing. What's worse, I'm an opera singer who doesn't particular feel like singing. I mean, I do and I don't. I still work on my voice when I can (which lately has been almost never, but these are not normal circumstances). I still like my voice and like what I'm capable of doing with it and the responses I can elicit with it. I still fantasize about doing a great big fun role with orchestra and lately, I've been thinking it might be a good idea to record some songs and arias for posterity. So if I do decide to call it quits I can have something to point to and say, "I used to sing like this."
But I don't get a true charge out of it anymore. I still enjoy teaching very much but I'm just not sure that I want to do that on an ongoing basis as a means to a paycheck. It's as if everything I ever thought I knew about myself has been turned on its ear in the past couple of years. This has been coming slowly for the past few years, I think. But now I'm really feeling it. Now I really have this feeling that maybe my lifelong goal is ready to take a comfortable backseat to some new goals. I think I'll still sing on some level or another. And I entertain the fantasy that maybe I'll even get a nice juicy role to sing once or twice more before I really call it quits. But I think I am feeling an internal tug to move into completely new territory.
It goes back to that feeling of being "charged". My life isn't making me feel anything but studying psychology fills me with a new buzz I haven't felt in a long time. Buzz. I am trying to figure out what feels warm and inviting and what doesn't. I spent years chasing down the singing career but it never really felt warm and inviting. It felt a little chilling and threatening most of the time. And I spent most of my time feeling like I was slaying a dragon. I think I'd like not to do that anymore. I want to wrap the coming years of my life in a warm, comfortable, sometimes exilirating, blanket of new-lease-on-life. I want to walk towards the things that resonate in me. And since I've started taking psych courses I'm feeling something like new possibilities.
I've just signed up for neuropsychology over the summer. I'm not even sure what that is exactly. But I'm psyched cuz I am very excited to learn about the brain's connection to our emotions, memories, learning, behavior, habits, speech, etc... I find that stuff fascinating. And, in light of what's going on with dad, I think it will be helpful for me. At least that's my hope. I don't know... I'm letting myself get pulled by the warm wave. I think it's time.
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