I Refute Thee

Death & Me

I've shunned Death;
cold shoulder and all.
He stomped his foot before
me but I just wandered by.
He tried to distract me
while he took a man & child
but wise to him I held my gaze away.

Death then took a biker &
a couple Christmas eve.
My icy heart stole itself
against his disease.
Shudder he did,
as I sealed my focus deep.
Which Death took as an insult
as he closed in on me.

With force & in emnity
Has he down the gauntlet thrown;
a formidable threat from that mephitic foe.
My sweet father has uptaken it -
They are dueling as I sit
refusing Death's morbid show,

"Death.
You can force me to look upon you
the day you come for me. But
My father is a strong opponent
and his Father is with him."

Dad.

My dad is dying. Even if he survives this, I was just in his room and something's changed. Some of the fight is leaving him. I could feel that something was different today than yesterday. I'm so afraid that even if he makes it out of this he will be soul crushingly changed. Then what? How are we to do this? I already miss the him I knew my whole life and this man in the bed with the tubes in him seems like a shell of my former dad. I can't think, I can't speak. I can't have “deep thoughts”. I just can't right now.

Congratulations, US Airways Flight 1549!

I'm watching the news about this plane which just went down in the Hudson. They're going on and on about procedures, and "what happened?" and "were there geese involved"? Why did he land in the Hudson? Why didn't he go on to Neward? Yada yada... I say throw a party!! Everyone is alive!! A plane actually had a successful "water landing and people are walking off!! Yay!!

They just showed one of the women getting off. She is wet and cold and wearing an uncomfortable yellow life vest. But, by God, she's smiling! Cuz no one who's ever heard the words "water landing" without thinking "kick your ass goodbye". These people probably thought that on the way down and they are just thrilled that they are walking away a little wet and cold. Some of them may catch pneumonia and need antibiotics. Wow... that's some amazing good luck. And I now feel a tiny bit better about the phrase "water landing".

Sufi Cab Driver

I took a cab ride with the loveliest, shining Indian man yesterday. We had the most enlightened conversation. I felt he must be a shaman or Hindu god sent here to deliver his wisdom from ca ride to cab ride. We talked about people of the world needing to be more respectful & accepting of each other. We talked about a need to communicate in a tolerant and open way. We discussed Obama. He said that there is hope there because Obama is a man who is open to communicating with those who do not share his views and finding compromises. This is how the world needs to begin to behave if we are to heal ourselves. He said something that's so in line with my recent phenomenological studies that I was taken by surprise-could he be reading my life from my face? He said that we all walk around speaking lies to the outside world, and in doing so we lie to ourselves. He said the truth, which is within us, finds a way to show itself anyway . He said the world would be a better place if more of us spoke truth. Honesty. Not an insistence that others see your point of view or an argumentative stance. But a calm exchange of ideas. Say your mind, speak your heart. If you are a bit racist against someone, don't necessarily pretend that you are. But wouldn't it be a better world if someone could openly say, “I have a problem with Jews” thus allowing the non-racist ideas to be presented? It might not change the way that person feels but having spoken his truth, his particularly honesty, without venom, would allow other truths to enter his soul. So long as he or she is guarding that truth behind a mask of lies, then there is no hope of opening a dialogue that might cause a change of heart. I loved having this conversation because since taking a class in phenomenological psychology, I have come to realize I've always felt this way. People shy away from difficult conversations. They are afraid of the anger and hurt that might be caused by speaking their mind. We have been taught to suppress so much. And yet, it is like my cabbie friend said, “the truth is inside of you and will show itself even if you try to present a lie to the outside world.” We've all experienced the person who says, “Oh yes, I like this very much” but meanwhile their face is all shrivelled up in a look of disgust. The truth is there beyond the words. It would just be easier if we could respectfully say what we are thinking and learn to keep boundaries to allow each other to be real. More would be accomplished, I believe.

He then told me a wonderful story. It was the only time during our talk that the NY skeptic in me thought he might be telling tales. But no matter. There is such beauty in his tale so I will retell it as he told me.

A few years ago he had a small convenience store. A guy walks in, slams a bottle of beer on the counter and follows it with and throws a dollar on the counter. My cabbie says, “that's $2.50”. The guy menacingly growls, “I onlyhave the dollar.” My friend (I regret I didn't get his name and couldn't see his license plaque from where I sat) says, “Then get a smaller bottle. There are some small ones there for a dollar.” The guy pulls a gun on him and points it at him. Now my new friend says the following, “My friend, if you're going to shoot me, shoot. I hope you've thought this through. I hope you've considered what this all means. I cannot change what is about to happen. Does that bullet have my name on it? Because if it does, then there is nothing I can say right now to change what you're about to do. Does that bullet have my name on it? If it does, then go ahead. I cannot change it. Is this how you would like to live the rest of your life?” The guy was apparently taken aback by this and looked quizzically at the store owner and then laughed, put the gun down, shook his hand and took his dollar and left.” I'm not sure at this point if the cabbie was making things up but his tone of voice and our previous conversation leads me to think he probably wasn't. Perhaps his words had a powerful effect on this would-be-robber. Perhaps he'd gained his respect by not fearing him. And maybe also, he got incredibly lucky. But I think the robber had never seen such light and decided not to snuff it. I believe he was practicing what we were just discussing - the power of speaking your truth and hoping to reach that spot in another person where their truth also lives. I was very touched by it.

I had asked that he drop me off at Memorial Sloan Kettering. As I'm getting out of the cab he asked, “who are you seeing here?” I answered, “my mom”. He said, “I will put her in my prayers.” I felt so good. I thanked him and wished him many blessings. There was something very special about him and I walked away so happy that this sweet soul would be praying for the health of my mother.