Dad

Today is Pedro Castro's birthday. Well, it's after midnight now so technically it was yesterday. I'm just looking back on the evening and beaming with pride and love and gratitude. My father is truly an inspiration. He has taught me so much about the human spirit. What it means to be gracious and kind and truly loving with your whole heart. The kind of love that is unselfish and always remembers to treat others with respect. That is who he's always been. And today I saw how much this just IS who he is.

In his weakened and sometimes confused mental state, he has no time for being anything more or less than his true self. And today there was so much of him there. Even as he sat in his wheelchair looking slimmer and smaller than he used to, the man inside is still evidently totally there. He was teary eyed and choked up and weepy when he saw how many of his friends came to see him on his birthday. When the singer/guitarist sang for him, he was very touched and cried. And at a couple of points today he tried, even though his speech is not that great yet, he tried to thank everyone. He said that he felt the value everyone felt for him and that he felt the genuine love. And I believe he was truly grateful.

But the moment that really made me see how much of my dad is beautiful despite his recent sickness happened before the party. It's a bit of a difficult story but I want to say it because it says so much about the man I call my father with pride. Mom and I were taking him to the bathroom. From outside, where dad couldn't see her, a girl was giving us instructions on what the easiest way to replace his adult diaper was. Mom and I aren't good at this. The nurse usually does it. She explained an easy way to get the job done. (He has to wear them even though he goes to the bathroom just fine.) Anyway, we did it and we said thank you to the girl for showing us a very easy way to get the job done. As we wheeled dad past this girl, even though he hadn't even seen her, he'd figured out who it was who'd been talking through the curtain and he said "thank you, thank you."

It might seem a little sad to someone reading this. But it made me smile deep inside. Here is this man in what is his weakest hour. He's got his pride. He's not happy that he has to put up with things like diapers and wheelchairs and being in a nursing home. He would rather be healthy again and be home. But he hasn't let all of this get in the way of his ability to thank people when they help him out or help us help him. His spirit of gratitude was not touched by the heart attack or the other injuries. He's still as gorgeous in his soul as he's ever been. And that moment made me realize why he is so loved by so many. So when we went downstairs to greet his friends and he started to cry, I knew it was a well deserved cry for him. He should feel the amount of love we were all giving him. Because through the years he's always given so much to everyone he's ever met. If only by letting them know that they mattered for a few seconds.

Me.

I have just done something that I feel has come from a deep place of longing for change. I have just sent email to the two people I know who are dedicated to a lifestyle of spirituality and health. One of them runs her own holistic service for meditation and massage and had actually asked me if I wanted to run workshops with people to help them free their voices. At the time I said "no". I wasn't feeling in a place to do that. I think I'm growing closer. I think I might want to try that now. But first I'd like to cleanse my own energy a little. A lot. I think I want to cleanse my energy in general.

The other person I contacted is a friend of my husband's. He is a psychotherapist and his wife is some sort of spiritual seeker. I know this because of her trips to India for spiritual purposes. They also keep a vegeterian organic lifestyle. I'd like to move in this direction myself. I am seeking them out for guidance.

I think I'm learning that I am influenced too much by the people that I care about and/or have cared for me. It's like I feel a need to continue to be the image of me that they have chosen for me. Meanwhile the me inside that is dying to come out remains hidden for fear that this new me won't fit their image of me. I am inside of me dying to come out. And the only thing that's keeping me in there is fear. Fear that my mother will wonder who I am. My sister will think this "new" person is an impostor. My husband will freak out entirely because the "hidden" me is even more wiggy and spiritual and laid back than he previously thought and he's so high strung that this will certainly cause a seismic shift in our relationship. My friends will wonder how I turned into this crazy hippie chick.

But, frankly, I've always been two people. The girl who likes the glamour and glitz of being a creature of the stage and the girl who just wants to do yoga, eat chick peas and get centered. But that second girl gets sidetracked. That second girl has been buried because at the mere mention of tofu or yoga or "spirituality" my husband cringes. Other people in my life seem threatened by the idea of me as a spiritual seeker. I hadn't thought it through before but I think I am understanding why. Because they know if I get centered and quiet and in touch with my higher self I will stop giving a shit what they think or want. And you know what? I think I finally want that. I think I finally want to stop giving a shit what these people think and want from me. I want to get in touch with what I want from me. And if it means that everyone, my husband included, need to fall away so I can get closer to the me I need to be then so be it.