Me.

I have just done something that I feel has come from a deep place of longing for change. I have just sent email to the two people I know who are dedicated to a lifestyle of spirituality and health. One of them runs her own holistic service for meditation and massage and had actually asked me if I wanted to run workshops with people to help them free their voices. At the time I said "no". I wasn't feeling in a place to do that. I think I'm growing closer. I think I might want to try that now. But first I'd like to cleanse my own energy a little. A lot. I think I want to cleanse my energy in general.

The other person I contacted is a friend of my husband's. He is a psychotherapist and his wife is some sort of spiritual seeker. I know this because of her trips to India for spiritual purposes. They also keep a vegeterian organic lifestyle. I'd like to move in this direction myself. I am seeking them out for guidance.

I think I'm learning that I am influenced too much by the people that I care about and/or have cared for me. It's like I feel a need to continue to be the image of me that they have chosen for me. Meanwhile the me inside that is dying to come out remains hidden for fear that this new me won't fit their image of me. I am inside of me dying to come out. And the only thing that's keeping me in there is fear. Fear that my mother will wonder who I am. My sister will think this "new" person is an impostor. My husband will freak out entirely because the "hidden" me is even more wiggy and spiritual and laid back than he previously thought and he's so high strung that this will certainly cause a seismic shift in our relationship. My friends will wonder how I turned into this crazy hippie chick.

But, frankly, I've always been two people. The girl who likes the glamour and glitz of being a creature of the stage and the girl who just wants to do yoga, eat chick peas and get centered. But that second girl gets sidetracked. That second girl has been buried because at the mere mention of tofu or yoga or "spirituality" my husband cringes. Other people in my life seem threatened by the idea of me as a spiritual seeker. I hadn't thought it through before but I think I am understanding why. Because they know if I get centered and quiet and in touch with my higher self I will stop giving a shit what they think or want. And you know what? I think I finally want that. I think I finally want to stop giving a shit what these people think and want from me. I want to get in touch with what I want from me. And if it means that everyone, my husband included, need to fall away so I can get closer to the me I need to be then so be it.