Something in my psyche is definitely changing. Things are happening in my subconscious and they’re like an undertow. I think it’s a good thing for me, actually.
I’m not behaving like myself. For starters, I’ve now upset Rob twice by completely forgetting him in a way that is not at all like me. I usually call him to let him know where I am and what I’m doing – almost at all times. And especially if I’m somewhere like Atlantic City. I do this so he doesn’t worry. But last time I went I left my phone in my room and got hung up in a poker game and didn’t call. He was worried sick. And it’s not like me to not worry about other people but I think I am spending so much of my time lately being worried about other people that I really just wanted a night where I didn’t feel like anyone depended on me. I wanted a night where I was just allowed to BE. But afterwards I realized that’s not fair to Rob and I felt horrible about it. Yet I turned around and did a similar thing yesterday again. I went to visit with my friend David, whom I haven’t seen in a while. We were supposed to be done by 6:30pm and I told Rob I might meet up with him after. I really did have him in my thoughts when I said this. But then David and I got into one of our extended jags on life, love, family, travel, etc… before I knew it time had just flown by. Rob had left me text messages on my phone, which was being ignored in my bag. I finally pulled it out and he was pissed off. Once again I’d completely failed to take him into account. I forgot to text him and let him know I’d probably be there later than 6:30pm. He was right to be pissed off at me. It’s irresponsible behavior. But why? I’m up at 4am asking myself why am I behaving this way all of a sudden?
Last week I forgot my dad’s birthday. That is also not like me. I was going to AC on the 7th and it was all I could think about. I was so excited to get away from everyone that the 6th, my dad’s birthday, just got away from me. I remembered on the 9th, very late that evening because we’d been out for a friend’s birthday and then it clicked that I’d forgotten dad. How could I forget dad?
I tell you why and how. Because all I’ve been able to think about for months is mom’s well-being, mom’s appointments, mom’s latest insurance issue. Dad’s latest insurance issue. In the middle of the night I’m thinking, “must follow up with phone call to see if First Health received the fax I sent yesterday… must call Empire Blue Cross to find out why that last claim wasn’t paid.” This is what is constantly going on in my head. There are days when I start the day wanting to practice all day and then suddenly I remember I need to call Medicare about this or that. That turns into 20 minutes on hold and then a 20 minute conversation where I’m asked to call someone else. I call that person and that’s another 5 minutes on hold and a 5 minute conversation. And I’m transferred to someone else, etc. Eventually someone tells me they need me to fax a form to them. And so I have to download the form, fill it out and fax it. Suddenly the 2 hours I had set aside to practice that morning are somehow gone. And this happens at least a couple of times a week.
My sister is a source of serious concern and trauma except I am supposed to not be letting her get to me or affect me. But she does. Each day I check in with the one person who gives me secret updates on her and each day I discover something else that worries or concerns me but there’s nothing I can do. I keep tabs on her because one day, when all this shit hits the proverbial fan I want to know when she’s lying to me about events.
And that brings me to another topic. Trust. I don't feel I can trust anyone anymore. Between Rob’s lies about his secret lives and his nerve to be upset with me because I chose to have secrets too (men always think they’re the only ones who can be allowed whole secret identities) and my sister’s apparent lies to me and others in her life, I just feel like nothing is sacred anymore. When I got married I thought I had the type of marriage where we tell each other everything and there were no secrets. I really wanted it to be that way between us. So when I found out that Rob was keeping secrets and was going to considerable lengths to keep sexual secrets from me, I felt very betrayed and I felt like the everything I believed in was a lie.
It wasn’t until we moved here and his behavior became erratic and I learned there were more lies that I finally decided I might as well develop my own superhero cover up. I-will-take-care-of-myself-Girl. With the power of “fuck you.” I did that for a couple of years but lately it’s started to lose its luster. The shiny power of “fuck you” has become apathy. I think with the whole situation with my mom and my sister I just don’t have the energy to keep up the whole “fuck you” thing. It’s morphed into something like “fuck everybody”. To hell with everyone. I’m always exhausted. I’m too tired for a lover. Too tired to explain that I’m too tired. Just fuck off.
And so I guess that’s why I’ve been a little lax about conveying my whereabouts and timings and whatnot. I’m just so fucking fed up. Does he tell me when he’s going to meet someone for some sort of “whatever”? No. I doubt it. And, what’s truly ironic is that I was better at letting him in on what I was doing when I had something to hide. Now that I have nothing to hide I am horrible about keeping tabs on myself. Isn’t that just a kick in the pants?
I need everyone to just fuck the fuck off for a while. But not mom or dad. They need to get strong so I don’t have to worry about them so much.
