You know? I think I freak out my friends. I don't mean to. Most of the time I'm a lot of fun, tell loads of jokes, am very silly, etc. But then, when I get in my crap moods and feel insecure and overwhelmed I think it's okay to voice my inner turpitude to my friends. But what I find is they get skiddish. They kind of go away and become unresponsive. I don't know if it's more like, "I can't deal with her" or if it's more like, "she's crazy" or if it's more like, "I don't know what to say to her when she's like this." Whatever it is, it makes me feel like a freak.
Am I the only one who tends to go on rants when something is on my mind? Is it really only a friendship if all you do is pretend to be happy even when you're not? Or if you don't voice things that are bothering you? Cuz it certainly feels that way to me. I can't seem to make any real friends since returning to school. I made a few friends, yes, but they don't seem to be enduring. You know? They don't include me in things or invite me to stuff and I've noticed a very definite sideways scuttle from them at times. I think they mostly like me but hold me at arm's length a bit. Like they know better than to get too entangled or else the barbs will get caught in their hair. It's weird. But it's been like that most of my life so I guess I'm kind of used to it.
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