I'M MAD AS HELL!!!!!!!!!

You know. I'm seething and angry and crazy and blubbering and I know this is supposed to be my HAPPY blog but, in truth, I see this as a good thing. Anger can be a motivator. And in my life, the times I've gotten good and angry have ended up being positive. So, I'll include this here.

I’M MAD. I MEAN, I’M LIKE CRAZY STUPID ANGRY!

Why am I not singing for a living? Why am I not, at the very least, getting hired??? Why? Why have I sung for 20 years with NO success in sight? And why do people still treat me like I’m the poor retarded girl who thinks she can fly? What am I missing? Why, if Martha thinks I’m sounding wonderful, and so many other people think I’m sounding wonderful, then why the hesitance to actually put me in the spotlight? What is it they’re hearing or seeing that makes them hesitate? What? How do I get over this hump? I WANT TO GET OVER THIS HUMP!!

Because I know I can do this in a way that will leave everyone wondering why on earth they didn’t put me on the big stage sooner. I just know it. I’ve had the reaction after a few performances and I’ve had people come up to me after in shock and awe because I don't give off all my energy at rehearsals. I save. I just think that's how I function. And then, at the performance, my colleagues, friends, audience members, are all shocked. I've had it happen almost everytime. They come up to me after like, "You were freaking phenomenal. The voice was more aligned and fluid than I've heard it, your acting was fantastic" etc. I had a director last year tell me he didn't think I had it in me in rehearsals and that he was really pleasantly surprised. He said the performance floored him and he actually asked, "where was that during rehearsal?" I don't know. That's the answer. I soak it all in and build it as I go then I let loose the day of. And maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe the people who are working with me worry it’s somehow a fluke. But I know I can deliver that more times than not.

Crap. I am so frustrated that fate hasn't somehow stepped in to shake up my dormant so-called career. Other people have walked in and sung for someone who felt like "this woman NEEDS to sing on my stage!" and then they're off. They start getting hired. Somehow, they've inspired someone to take a leap of faith. I need that. Whatever the hell that is, I need one or two such events to get me to start working so that I'm SEEN as a WORKING singer and no longer as some poor struggling singer. I NEED this to happen for me.