Hypocrite

I hate hypocrites. Always have. At the age of 10 I told dad I wasn't going to play into the church games anymore because everyone I've met there is a hypocrite. But you know what? I just read my last entry and I realize I'm a hypocrite too. Congratulations, Me! It's sickening to realize you're just as bad as everyone else.

I read all that ranting about my sister using people as pawns and how I think she's all instinct and survival and then a little voice in my head said, "who are you kidding?" Damn that little voice. It's right. I've been all instinct and survival for as long as I can remember. I want desperately to think I can be better than that. I want to think I can overcome years of guarding myself and trying not to disintegrate under the weight of my psyche but I too am just scratching by the best I can. Scratching and hanging on. All nails and upper arm strength, just like in the movies, one slip away from a serious crash.