When he Cracks.

My boy stands lately

Slight bend in the knees

Carrying a house

Crack

            That smarts

      Right to the pit of where his world began

            Crack 

        Carrying those babies on an empty stomach 

And the two that tire  his arms

        So much pushing apart, and,

Spinning those plates on one foot

        On a wave

                    Tiny surfboard large feet

                                              Crack

(Mama didn't tell me about this part)

                    Eyes empty, soul diffused.  Crack

That vertebrae is gone

Stand up anyway

                          Stand up anyway

            Stand up anyway

Face the sky

Heart split like a ripe pomegranate 

            Pecked by sharp beasts

And still,

      He shines like a moonbeam in a lost sailor's dream

Knees inches from the sand

                                                      Crack

That was the one he was waiting for.

11/13

On this day:

I am officially nobody
Got it.
Thanks for putting me in my place.

Borderline

You have them all fooled
I helped create the facade -
Your ally, your beard,
Your whipping stone,
Your mask, your cloak,
Your public relations banner,
Your public fantasy,
Your crutch, your step stool.
My head, my back, my shoulders,
My spine, my hips, my soul,
My soul, my soul, my soul
Fractured
Twisted
Fragile
Bending to your will,
Your coercive nasty biting will.
Gratitude is exacted as a toll.
Poor you, poor you, poor you.
They actually believe you.
That leaves me where?

I eavesdroopped on a call one day.
Man on the other line spoke sage,
"You're not nice at all.
That's a game you play.
You even believe it yourself.
But I see through it."
As if to prove his point,
You snarled back in biting tones.
Crouching by the door
I imagined him wise and soft.
If only I could wiggle like a worm through the phone wire
To meet the man
Who in 5 minutes recognized
what it's taken me years to discern.

You fooled me.
You got my heart, my youth, my joy.
You praised my art, you loved my music,
You cushioned my feet so I would never walk hard pavement.
(The geishas also had special shoes.)
I felt beautiful and rare.
But then you mangled, suppressed, and repressed my joy.
Under your dark cloud.
I struggled not to wilt beneath your shadow
While you molded me determinedly into a You.
Publicly disarming
Privately destroyed.

THINX again...

Okay ladies, I promised I would post a follow up on the THINX period panties and here it is.

Get ready for TMI. Today I was having a medium/heavy flow day and I wore my THINX heavy panties that I first tried last month. Except this time I was brave enough to wear them out all day. I put them on at 1pm and went out to get a mani / pedi, then I ran a bunch of errands, came home and cleaned up my house after a party we threw last night. So I was flattening boxes, mopping, lots of running up and down stairs, dishes, putting away patio furniture, etc. I finally jumped in the shower just after 10pm. I was going to shower before Game of Thrones but lost track of time!! So that's 9 hours straight wear. The verdict?

They're still wonderful and I still highly recommend them! I only felt a slight heaviness in the crotch of the panty when I went to pee sometime around the 7th hour or so. They do seem to keep "cleaner" than pads. Not to get too gross but with pads I usually can't go this long mostly because they tend to start to get a little smelly. But for reasons I cannot understand, even after so many hours, the only smell I could detect is that sort of heavy iron smell that you sometimes get from blood. Not strong even. And certainly not bacterial smelling. And that was after almost an entire day.

Gross alert...

I cleaned them the same way I had the first time. I soaked them for only about 1 minute or so, then rubbed the crotch a little, drained the sink and repeated again. That was twice where the water turned red but by the third round it was running clear. That's when I add the mild soap and hand wash, wring and hang in the shower on a rack.

I am now really sold on these and plan to buy a second pair. Let me know if you you've done it or are considering it because I'm still curious if other people are having success with these. Hope all this helps!

Real Mother's Day Cards...

Wouldn't it be great if we could have some honest damn holiday cards? Especially Mother's Day. Seriously. So many people I know are like, "I love my mom sooooo much" and "I have so much to thank her for." Well. what if you don't quite feel that way about your mother? I know what we're supposed to feel. We're supposed to feel all those happy, safe memories of mommy kissing your boo boo or reading you a story at bedtime or stroking your head when you were sick. But... what if your mother didn't have particularly strong mothering instincts?

Today at yoga the class started with a meditation. We were supposed to set an intention for our mothers. I wondered what everyone else was thinking. I lay there blank. Mildly uncomfortable. "Dear Gods of Vishnu and Durga... please make my mother stop being such a needy, greedy mommy." That was the closest thing to an "intention" I could come up with. I don't like the woman. I never have. And why? Because she's never really liked me either. In fact, the one thing my mother really taught me is how easy it is to love people you don't like. She'll never admit it. But it's true. She loved me because she isn't a monster. But she never really knew what to make of me or how to connect with me and at some point that got to be too difficult for me.

The other day, in fact, she was telling me on the phone (I call her every day because I believe in obligations and promises). So she's telling me on the phone how my aunt and her were conversing and that her daughters made some bad decisions "on their own"... she had nothing to do with it. She did her best. After some fishing around, she finally brought up the day I left home. (I ran screaming in the middle of the night... from HER at the age of 19.) I had to remind her that on that particular night she was waiting at the dining room table looking like she wanted to wring my neck. I was 19, I had gotten into a good conservatory after pulling straight A's in HS and my new college schedule was really grueling. She started going on and on (for the umpteenth time) about how "girls like me" don't amount to anything. That my boyfriend was just using me and I would wind up alone and no one would want me. Something inside me broke. I just knew that I couldn't do this one more day. I just couldn't. So I went into my room and started packing. More happened. It doesn't matter that I go into any more detail. But she completely forgot anything she said or how it lead to my leaving. In her version, I merely got home and announced I was leaving.

So this got me to thinking... can't we have honest Mother's Day Cards? I've had some ideas...

Happy Mother's Day. You weren't that good at being a mom but you should still enjoy these flowers.
Happy Mother's Day even though you spent most of the time checked out.
Happy Mother's Day, mom. You taught me what not to do.
Happy Mother's Day, mom. I understand now that you did your best. It kind of sucked, but I forgive you.

I won't come up with any for people who were seriously abused by their mom's because I don't think those mom's should be getting any kind of card or gift. Except for a card that maybe says,  "Thank you for bringing me into the world. Good job at that."

For anyone reading this who got it right (or mostly right) and/or remember your mothers with warm fuzzy feelings, congratulations to you! Happy Mother's Day for real! xo

ADDENDUM: I felt a need to add to this because I just got back from spending the afternoon with mom and I was happy she had a good afternoon. I wish my feelings about her weren't so mixed. Lots of negative in there. But I am happy when she's happy and I am glad I could spend some time with her on Mother's Day and bring a smile to her face. I know she hasn't had much joy and is sad a lot and has suffered with depression her whole life and... I'm not making excuses for her. She's fragile and broken and not aware how she sometimes can hurt others. But I don't like to see her suffer needlessly. So... Happy Mother's Day to my mom. Glad we had this sunny day.

Fat Girls Cry during Yoga.

This is me after hot yoga. I don't usually put up pictures of me with my fat rolls hanging out of my failing old sports bra (I should throw it out, it does nothing), but today I feel bold. Today I went to my 3rd official hot yoga class. And it was taught by a woman I already see I will love and hate in quick succession.  I twisted and contorted and tried to do the beginning of a handstand (I got nowhere... don't even ask). The whole time I was facing a mirror thinking I've never looked fatter. Rolls of fat being squished to this side during one pose then squashed to the other side. During a sitting squat I looked in the mirror and my thighs looked enormous!! I mean... soooo big. I'm surrounded by mostly thin women in the class. The instructor is actually slightly softer than some of the women in the class but I am the largest of the women. And some of the poses are not kind. They just get my belly out in front of me. Two things soothed my poor sweaty ego. One was that there is a gigantic Haitian (he sounds Haitian to me... I'll ask him next class). Anyway, there's this gigantic Haitian man who likes to be in the front of the class and he's hefty. Not fat. But he's a large man. Very strong and very good at yoga. Does all the complicated poses. He makes me feel smaller, by comparison. So I don't feel like the largest thing in the room. Second, I was lucky that there was a very thin Indian girl next to me today who is also at my level. In fact, I am definitely more flexible than she is and was able to do a little more than her. We commiserated and it made me feel less singled out.  I know it shouldn't matter but it's hard to be in any kind of fitness class when you're larger because there is some judgement from some types of people. Luckily, I feel very safe in this class. There are a couple girls who weren't there today who I think might be "mean" girls but so far I haven't had to deal with them.

Class started and we were in starting to warm up and I felt weepy. This has happened a time or two in other workout classes for me. I feel like I'm stirring up my chemistry and it sometimes causes me to feel weepy. I managed to hold it together and keep moving. We did our series, then some modified side planks and I started the beginnings of crow and those attempts at handstand. Then when we were in child's pose the water works started for real. We moved into table and I was weeping. I debated if I should stop it. But I decided to quietly let it happen. The lights are really low and everyone is sweating so much at this point that they can't discern tears from sweat streaming down my face. I kept moving through the final stretches while crying. It felt good after. My body was releasing everything. 

I wondered if the skinny girls every cry during yoga. It was a combination of pent up emotions from my week and a feeling of gratitude that I am allowing myself this. That I am complicit with my own body right now to be better. To be stronger. To not hide. To not apologize for the fat. To not apologize for the fat. I had to write that twice. Because as I am writing this I realize that's why I was crying. Because I was looking at my fat reflection in the mirror and admiring myself for being there, working, sweating, and not caring really that my fat was off doing its own thing. On some level that felt really good, I felt unapologetic - for real. Not defiantly. But really feeling there was nothing to apologize for. And I was proud of my body for nearly doing a split and holding warrior for longer than many of the other people in the class. I was proud of myself. This is new, this not feeling like I have to apologize. I like it. And I hope I cry next class too.

Period Panties...

Yup... I'm blogging about period panties. This is really a review and doesn't belong here. I copied it from my other blog where I used to do reviews years ago - Girl with Gadgets. I think I may start putting up more reviews there. Anyway.... I copied that review here but you should be warned... it's not pretty. Men might consider moving along. But if you stick around and actually read it all, you should totally leave a comment because you're my new hero!

HERE IT IS:

I had let this blog die but I am taking it out of retirement to blog about these period panties we're all hearing about. THINX is just one of the companies making them. Apparently there are others. But what I like about THINX is that they're using a portion of their proceeds towards getting this period underwear to girls in third world countries where getting your period means you can't go to school or participate in many other activities. I would buy them for this alone. Luckily, turns out it's a really good product.

So, I got really curious and decided to order a pair of these panties. I am a US size 16 and I bought the 2X after reading other people's reviews and being advised to order up. It's good advice. They do run small. And while the fabric has some elasticity to it, it's not much. They fit a bit like good swimwear.  They have a bit of give but some hug to them as well. The fabric has that nice smooth, slick feel to it that you want in underwear. It feels very nice and lies well under even clingy dresses or pants. The VERY surprising thing is that even though I bought what is their heaviest flow panty, the crotch part of the panty was not very thick. I was expecting it to feel like a pad. But it feels like a few layers of fabric maybe as thick as a panty liner. It seemed impossible that it could do what it claims to do. But it did.

The panties come not just in different sizes but also in different shapes (hip hugger, boy short, hi waist, thong, etc) and different absorbencies. They rate the absorbency with a system women can relate to. From 1/2 tampon to 2 tampons. I went ahead and got the heavy flow hip huggers straight away. I figured if I was going to test these, I would start on my heaviest day - really see what this product can do. Ah, also, they currently only come in two colors - black and beige - and not all styles come in both colors.

From here on out things are going to start to get gross, friends. If you're squeamish you might want to run away now. Most of the reviews I read tried to keep the language pretty antiseptic and therefore glossed over some points I think most people want to know. So I'm not going to be tame in my descriptions from here on end. So last warning. Leave now if you think you may get ill at the mention of menstrual blood and other such details. It's okay. I forgive you.

Okay. So I got the heavy hip hugger in black and on day 2 of my cycle, which is when it's always absolutely the worst for me, I decided to put them on after my afternoon workout and shower so that I could stay in them from roughly 7pm until morning. I wanted to spend a little time awake in them walking around the house, doing light chores, sitting at my computer and then go to bed and see how they hold up as an overnight pad. I did this because, frankly, I wasn't ready to wear them out in public all day the first time. I wanted to try them out in a "safe" environment first.

Gross alert.

So, I had done my workout and showered and my flow was very heavy. I put them on and thought "there's no way I'm not waking up to a blood bath in my bed." Before bed I went to pee and was pleasantly shocked that they seemed pretty dry. Slept till 7am, woke up and felt around the bed. Everything was fine. I felt dry. What?!!! I go into the bathroom and check. Aside from a little film of blood and uterine lining (if you're a woman you know what I mean... some kind of shedding stuff that sometimes ends up in your pad, which is why I think tampons are really not healthy... but that's another topic entirely). Anyway, after 12 hours of pretty heavy flow, they felt mildly heavy, had a slight film to them that I brushed off with toilet tissue but there hadn't been a leak. I woke up feeling comfortable and if I absolutely needed to rush out and make a milk run, I think I could have maybe even gotten away with it. But I'm glad I didn't.

Even grosser alert.

So now comes the part where things get super intimate. Time to take them off and wash them. You can't just throw these into the wash. In fact, THINX website has very specific instructions for washing them. No fabric softener, it ruins the bacterial shield in it. I figured, something like this, there was only one way to do it right. Just hand wash it - old school. So I filled the sink with warmish water and soaked them. That's the advice from the website and from previous reviewers. However, what they don't tell you is that you should prepare for a shock. The panties, when you take them off, feel slightly weighted but not that much. Because they're black, they don't look especially gross. And because of the magic fabric they're using in the crotch area, the whole garment looks perfectly fine when you pull them off. Like a normal pair of panties should look. However, the second you dip them into the water it's a blood bath. I mean, literally. The water began to turn a deep shade of crimson almost immediately. As Western privileged women who don't have to deal with our biological processes quite this intimately. It came as a bit of a shock to me. I mean... I knew it was going to happen and still, I was a little bit shocked to see this much blood in my sink. I drained the sink, refilled it, and did this process again 2 more times while lightly rubbing the crotch of the panty to get it out. By the 3rd time around, you'll notice the water already gets clear.

Now... there's more. This is the first time I have every had my hands in bloody water. I mean, I've had to scrub some blood off a panty or some sheets where I'd had a leak in the middle of the night. But this does not compare to that at all. Ladies.... hold on to your hats!! This is next level. I mean... it's a sink full of blood and your hands are in it moving around and working the fabric. It was kind of surreal.

Mystical alert.

But also... it put me in touch with how powerful we really are. We don't even realize it. We bleed this much on a regular basis and we still go to work, do workouts, feed babies, build houses, run marathons. I mean... come on!!! It really brought me up close and personal with just how freaking strong we are. And yet we are constantly allowing people to make us feel weak. And at that moment with my hands in the bloody water, it all clicked. We survive the bleeding and life comes out of us. We are freaking magical! And we should spend more time contemplating that.

But I digress... It took only 2 soaks and a final rinse to get the water completely clear. Then I added some mild soap and scrubbed the entire garment lightly, rinsed it, wringed it gently - it wrings out pretty well. The whole process takes a few minutes tops. Then I hung it over a towel to dry. It was completely dry that night in a bathroom that usually seems to keep our towels damp.

So my experience with these so far is fantastic. I would totally recommend them. The washing part is probably the worst part. But you're doing something good for yourself - they're comfortable and you're saving money and the environment. And you're also doing something good for all those girls who will now not have to stay home from school because of something their bodies are meant to do. It's a total win-win. :)

Well meaning people!!!

THIS IS OFFICIALLY A RANT... (you've been warned)

SHUT UP!! Just shut up!!!! I hate it when people try to push their agendas down your throat all the while making it seem like they're just telling you a story about something that happened to them. Or they're just telling you what THEY do!!! Listen, assholes. I have been around the block a few times. I'm not overreacting or being oversensitive. I read between the lines very well. Sometimes, it's true... someone really is just telling you something about themselves. Something they do or like to do or they have a system for doing something and they're sharing. I'm like 1000% okay with that!! I really am. In fact, that's when I listen. When I feel it's genuinely just a retelling and if I get something out of it, great, if not, the person speaking isn't at all invested in whether or not I want to follow their example. That's totally cool with me. 

It's the fucking assholes in my life who tell how "Oh, I use my Fitbit every day... have you tried that?" or "If you just skim the fat off the top of the roast, it really cuts the fat way down... that's what I do." Those people. You know... they claim they're not trying to proselytize but they totally ARE! I find that shit so fucking aggravating! The worst is when it's a pseudo friend. You know the ones. You're friends... mostly. But what they don't realize is they do this pretty regularly and you limit your exposure to them because they don't even realize they're doing it. And the one time you attempted to gently clue them in, they vehemently denied that this was their motivation. So fine... I guess I'll just continue to avoid you and you can continue to wonder why. 

People sometimes are unconscious of their own motivations so I get it. I'm sure I'm guilty too. I probably do some version of this. But I really do try not to. I just had to get it off my chest because someone just did this to me and it just annoyed the freaking beJesus out of me!!

Okay... done.

Desert Fish

Imagine being in a desert. The sun is beating down on you. Sand and cacti for miles. Yet you spot a source of clear, blue, fresh water. Only about a foot away from you. Except you’re down on the ground. Legs and arms mangled. So you wriggle your way to the edge of the water. You can smell its sweet freshness. You bring your lips to it and you take a sip. You take two sips. Then it moves away. It moves 2 feet to your left. Despite your fatigue, you start to writhe on your belly in that direction. This goes on for 20 years. For 20 years you are playing this game with the water in the desert. Sometimes your legs and arms get just healthy enough for you to walk to the water or reach out for it. But then it moves faster and further so you have to chase it. Sometimes you are able to take a very good clear drink and feel refreshed for days. But always it is fleeting. The water refuses to stay and allow you to have your fill. If you got healthy and strong enough you could choose to leave the desert. Walk right out and into another sphere. But you live in this desert. And the day you are waiting for is the day you are strong enough to catch up to the water and dive right in. The day you are able to dive into the water. That will be the day. You will then finally become a proud desert fish.

Re-finder's fee

I painted this. I started working on it over the summer. I wasn't sure what it would become. But I knew I wanted something new to hang in the dining room. And I didn't want to buy something. I wanted to make it. Is it great art? Nope. But I worked on it on and off for weeks until it spoke to me. Early this morning it said, "Hang me up now." I grabbed a hammer, some nails, and wire. I prepped the back of the canvas. Banging away at 6am while my husband slept upstairs. Wondering, probably, what on earth I was doing. Or maybe not. He's used to me waking up suddenly inspired to scrub the bathroom, practice or rearrange the kitchen cabinet. It can be anything at all. I used to wonder if this was a kind of madness but I've decided nothing in my life would ever get done if it weren't for these bursts of energy. It's just how I get things done.

I am, I've decided, in a period of redefining myself. Or, perhaps, better said, re-finding myself. For a period of a couple of years I've been drifting. Unsure of my purpose or direction. Just toiling and moving forward. I suppose that's the best any of us manage. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. But it sure is nice to actually have a sense of knowing where you're headed or where you are at any given moment. I may not know either of those two things, but I'm definitely feeling more proactive about which way I'm moving along this river called Life. That's better than nothing for now.While musing over this this morning I thought, "When I do find myself where I'd like to be, do I collect a re-finder's fee?"