Wouldn't it be great if we could have some honest damn holiday cards? Especially Mother's Day. Seriously. So many people I know are like, "I love my mom sooooo much" and "I have so much to thank her for." Well. what if you don't quite feel that way about your mother? I know what we're supposed to feel. We're supposed to feel all those happy, safe memories of mommy kissing your boo boo or reading you a story at bedtime or stroking your head when you were sick. But... what if your mother didn't have particularly strong mothering instincts?
Today at yoga the class started with a meditation. We were supposed to set an intention for our mothers. I wondered what everyone else was thinking. I lay there blank. Mildly uncomfortable. "Dear Gods of Vishnu and Durga... please make my mother stop being such a needy, greedy mommy." That was the closest thing to an "intention" I could come up with. I don't like the woman. I never have. And why? Because she's never really liked me either. In fact, the one thing my mother really taught me is how easy it is to love people you don't like. She'll never admit it. But it's true. She loved me because she isn't a monster. But she never really knew what to make of me or how to connect with me and at some point that got to be too difficult for me.
The other day, in fact, she was telling me on the phone (I call her every day because I believe in obligations and promises). So she's telling me on the phone how my aunt and her were conversing and that her daughters made some bad decisions "on their own"... she had nothing to do with it. She did her best. After some fishing around, she finally brought up the day I left home. (I ran screaming in the middle of the night... from HER at the age of 19.) I had to remind her that on that particular night she was waiting at the dining room table looking like she wanted to wring my neck. I was 19, I had gotten into a good conservatory after pulling straight A's in HS and my new college schedule was really grueling. She started going on and on (for the umpteenth time) about how "girls like me" don't amount to anything. That my boyfriend was just using me and I would wind up alone and no one would want me. Something inside me broke. I just knew that I couldn't do this one more day. I just couldn't. So I went into my room and started packing. More happened. It doesn't matter that I go into any more detail. But she completely forgot anything she said or how it lead to my leaving. In her version, I merely got home and announced I was leaving.
So this got me to thinking... can't we have honest Mother's Day Cards? I've had some ideas...
Happy Mother's Day. You weren't that good at being a mom but you should still enjoy these flowers.
Happy Mother's Day even though you spent most of the time checked out.
Happy Mother's Day, mom. You taught me what not to do.
Happy Mother's Day, mom. I understand now that you did your best. It kind of sucked, but I forgive you.
I won't come up with any for people who were seriously abused by their mom's because I don't think those mom's should be getting any kind of card or gift. Except for a card that maybe says, "Thank you for bringing me into the world. Good job at that."
For anyone reading this who got it right (or mostly right) and/or remember your mothers with warm fuzzy feelings, congratulations to you! Happy Mother's Day for real! xo
ADDENDUM: I felt a need to add to this because I just got back from spending the afternoon with mom and I was happy she had a good afternoon. I wish my feelings about her weren't so mixed. Lots of negative in there. But I am happy when she's happy and I am glad I could spend some time with her on Mother's Day and bring a smile to her face. I know she hasn't had much joy and is sad a lot and has suffered with depression her whole life and... I'm not making excuses for her. She's fragile and broken and not aware how she sometimes can hurt others. But I don't like to see her suffer needlessly. So... Happy Mother's Day to my mom. Glad we had this sunny day.
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