Fat Girls Cry during Yoga.

This is me after hot yoga. I don't usually put up pictures of me with my fat rolls hanging out of my failing old sports bra (I should throw it out, it does nothing), but today I feel bold. Today I went to my 3rd official hot yoga class. And it was taught by a woman I already see I will love and hate in quick succession.  I twisted and contorted and tried to do the beginning of a handstand (I got nowhere... don't even ask). The whole time I was facing a mirror thinking I've never looked fatter. Rolls of fat being squished to this side during one pose then squashed to the other side. During a sitting squat I looked in the mirror and my thighs looked enormous!! I mean... soooo big. I'm surrounded by mostly thin women in the class. The instructor is actually slightly softer than some of the women in the class but I am the largest of the women. And some of the poses are not kind. They just get my belly out in front of me. Two things soothed my poor sweaty ego. One was that there is a gigantic Haitian (he sounds Haitian to me... I'll ask him next class). Anyway, there's this gigantic Haitian man who likes to be in the front of the class and he's hefty. Not fat. But he's a large man. Very strong and very good at yoga. Does all the complicated poses. He makes me feel smaller, by comparison. So I don't feel like the largest thing in the room. Second, I was lucky that there was a very thin Indian girl next to me today who is also at my level. In fact, I am definitely more flexible than she is and was able to do a little more than her. We commiserated and it made me feel less singled out.  I know it shouldn't matter but it's hard to be in any kind of fitness class when you're larger because there is some judgement from some types of people. Luckily, I feel very safe in this class. There are a couple girls who weren't there today who I think might be "mean" girls but so far I haven't had to deal with them.

Class started and we were in starting to warm up and I felt weepy. This has happened a time or two in other workout classes for me. I feel like I'm stirring up my chemistry and it sometimes causes me to feel weepy. I managed to hold it together and keep moving. We did our series, then some modified side planks and I started the beginnings of crow and those attempts at handstand. Then when we were in child's pose the water works started for real. We moved into table and I was weeping. I debated if I should stop it. But I decided to quietly let it happen. The lights are really low and everyone is sweating so much at this point that they can't discern tears from sweat streaming down my face. I kept moving through the final stretches while crying. It felt good after. My body was releasing everything. 

I wondered if the skinny girls every cry during yoga. It was a combination of pent up emotions from my week and a feeling of gratitude that I am allowing myself this. That I am complicit with my own body right now to be better. To be stronger. To not hide. To not apologize for the fat. To not apologize for the fat. I had to write that twice. Because as I am writing this I realize that's why I was crying. Because I was looking at my fat reflection in the mirror and admiring myself for being there, working, sweating, and not caring really that my fat was off doing its own thing. On some level that felt really good, I felt unapologetic - for real. Not defiantly. But really feeling there was nothing to apologize for. And I was proud of my body for nearly doing a split and holding warrior for longer than many of the other people in the class. I was proud of myself. This is new, this not feeling like I have to apologize. I like it. And I hope I cry next class too.