Regrets

I have just stumbled upon a beautiful blog. It has touched me so deeply that I have no real words. But the word regret comes to mind and it's emblazoned into my heart.

I helped to deeply wound and scar someone. Someone who absolutely did not deserve it. I helped to wound her because in my youthful fire I believed all was fair in love and war. Well, perhaps it is, but only if you can live with the spoils afterward. I have spent years wondering if she is okay. I've spent years hoping that she went on and lived well. And, I just saw her artwork and I feel both happy for her and sad at the same time. I am happy to see that her art is even more detailed and defined and interesting. I'm happy she is doing her art and loving her life and adoring her children. I'm happy to hear they are happy and well adjusted and beautiful and doing well. I feared they would grow up sad or shadowed by the events of several years ago. I'm happy that, by and large, it seems everyone managed to move forward relatively unscathed. But I have a deep sadness as well.

Deep down I know she has become hyper vigilant. I know she has trouble not seeing the tiny lies in people's eyes. I know she has deep sadness for the loss of her marriage. And I am saddened because I was a part of her sadness. At the time I had no true concept of what I was doing. I really didn't. But now, in hindsight, I realize I should have done things differently. It is the one true regret of my life. I know she feels it's her fault, but it isn't. It really isn't. There was nothing she could have done. What happened was going to happen even if it hadn't been me. Her husband was restless and bored and probably cheating on his mistress as well as his wife. She could not have stopped his restlessness. It was totally not her fault. I have read her blog and I want desperately to reach out to her. But how am I supposed to do that from my vantage point?

I'm just glad that she's keeping her work alive and I read in her blog she's falling in love. I wish her, from far off in the distance, all the happiness her craziest fantasies can conjure up. I wish her a relationship like we all dream of. Where you see the clear, crystal truth in your lover's eyes and it makes you feel calm and loved and strong and sure footed. This I wish her because it is what she deserves.

If the universe is watching this, it will reach her. I know it.