Stream of Consciousness for Today.

Since this is, in fact, a “stream of consciousness” entry… here goes.

I fucking hate everybody today. I mean - HATE!!! People Suck!!! Izzy, Matthew, Madeleine, Will Crutchfield… everyone!!! Everyone who is backing away from me because I’m too neurotic or over driven or too unrealistic or because I have a fast vibrato they don’t believe will ever soften… all of them can mother fucking kiss my ass!!! They think they know soooo much. They have some sort of crystal ball. I mean, Matthew was the only one honest enough to come right out and say it, “we (meaning he and his gay opera fag friend Lee) don’t think you’ll ever have a BIG career on account of we don’t think that fast vibrato will ever calm down enough.”

Yep. So, I figure if one person said it and another person years ago said it, then others must be thinking it. Yet, simultaneously, people like Madeleine (technically, her friend said it) and Will have said that my voice, when it’s fully together, should pretty much be able to demand whatever price I want.

So which is it?!!

I tell you which it is!! Both. Except the people who are tiptoeing away carefully and/or not-so-carefully are showing a tremendous lack of belief that I can pull this off and that just fucking pisses me off!!! Do you know why it pisses me off?

Cuz despite the fact that it’s been YYYYEEEEEEEAAAARRRSS and I have been working hard and only now am beginning to smooth out the voice and am only now beginning to clear up the vibrato issues and am only now understanding how important it is to lose like 50 lbs. Despite all that – one thing remains. I have the goods. I do. I know it and even the tiptoers know it. And I can do something with the goods.

And you know what? I still believe there’s a place for me to showcase my goods and I still believe that, while the deck is stacked against me and I’m going to have to fight and scratch to earn everything I get, I still believe I have what it takes to make people stop (especially the tiptoers and the ones who fled early on) and say, “Oh Shit! She fucking did it! She fucking pulled it off! We didn’t think she could do it. We thought it was too late and she’d never fucking figure it out but… oh shit! She did it!” I know I can make them do that. And when I do some of them will come to me and say stuff like, “I always knew you could do it.” And I’ll smile and nod but inside I’ll be thinking, “no you didn’t”.

Fuck them.