I have just done something that I feel has come from a deep place of longing for change. I have just sent email to the two people I know who are dedicated to a lifestyle of spirituality and health. One of them runs her own holistic service for meditation and massage and had actually asked me if I wanted to run workshops with people to help them free their voices. At the time I said "no". I wasn't feeling in a place to do that. I think I'm growing closer. I think I might want to try that now. But first I'd like to cleanse my own energy a little. A lot. I think I want to cleanse my energy in general.
The other person I contacted is a friend of my husband's. He is a psychotherapist and his wife is some sort of spiritual seeker. I know this because of her trips to India for spiritual purposes. They also keep a vegeterian organic lifestyle. I'd like to move in this direction myself. I am seeking them out for guidance.
I think I'm learning that I am influenced too much by the people that I care about and/or have cared for me. It's like I feel a need to continue to be the image of me that they have chosen for me. Meanwhile the me inside that is dying to come out remains hidden for fear that this new me won't fit their image of me. I am inside of me dying to come out. And the only thing that's keeping me in there is fear. Fear that my mother will wonder who I am. My sister will think this "new" person is an impostor. My husband will freak out entirely because the "hidden" me is even more wiggy and spiritual and laid back than he previously thought and he's so high strung that this will certainly cause a seismic shift in our relationship. My friends will wonder how I turned into this crazy hippie chick.
But, frankly, I've always been two people. The girl who likes the glamour and glitz of being a creature of the stage and the girl who just wants to do yoga, eat chick peas and get centered. But that second girl gets sidetracked. That second girl has been buried because at the mere mention of tofu or yoga or "spirituality" my husband cringes. Other people in my life seem threatened by the idea of me as a spiritual seeker. I hadn't thought it through before but I think I am understanding why. Because they know if I get centered and quiet and in touch with my higher self I will stop giving a shit what they think or want. And you know what? I think I finally want that. I think I finally want to stop giving a shit what these people think and want from me. I want to get in touch with what I want from me. And if it means that everyone, my husband included, need to fall away so I can get closer to the me I need to be then so be it.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Music
music,
you cut a hole through my pain
then left me while I mourned you
in a comforting vacuum
in fear of your sharp and penetrating return
for all the times you singed my soul by
mocking my attempts to spread your excellence
I have sealed my ears and shut my throat;
to keep you at bay where you cannot destroy me
luring me to your high c’s -
a disembodied siren.
I’ve sung along these many years
but now
I will betray you with my silence.
you cut a hole through my pain
then left me while I mourned you
in a comforting vacuum
in fear of your sharp and penetrating return
for all the times you singed my soul by
mocking my attempts to spread your excellence
I have sealed my ears and shut my throat;
to keep you at bay where you cannot destroy me
luring me to your high c’s -
a disembodied siren.
I’ve sung along these many years
but now
I will betray you with my silence.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Surgeons and Vampires (revised 6/29/09)
everyone in the city has become
a burgeoning surgeon -
eager to cure the blood with a fresh new cut.
I walk the streets bleeding my offerings.
(the vampires at least are honest in their hunger.)
the well meaning faces are smiling
a kind of mercy which serves to kill.
(while whispering, “if only...”)
The heat of the sun reels me forward,
like a daylight zombie I walk toward the sun
which never once before took notice of me nor cared
whether it singed or seared me.
At least there my wounds might find relief;
Newly cauterized scars
to greet my morning mirror.
Or else
or else,
perhaps,
the sun will consume me into itself
so that one day I may flourish as a series of rays
to swaddle
a new generation of surgeons.
but the vampires
the vampires
will always be safe.
a burgeoning surgeon -
eager to cure the blood with a fresh new cut.
I walk the streets bleeding my offerings.
(the vampires at least are honest in their hunger.)
the well meaning faces are smiling
a kind of mercy which serves to kill.
(while whispering, “if only...”)
The heat of the sun reels me forward,
like a daylight zombie I walk toward the sun
which never once before took notice of me nor cared
whether it singed or seared me.
At least there my wounds might find relief;
Newly cauterized scars
to greet my morning mirror.
Or else
or else,
perhaps,
the sun will consume me into itself
so that one day I may flourish as a series of rays
to swaddle
a new generation of surgeons.
but the vampires
the vampires
will always be safe.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Marie
You, dear girl,
were sent to France.
To be a queen, they said.
you learned -
after Austria -
how to endure.
You, dear girl,
were sent to marry.
Your first deflowering
before you evem met him.
they removed your possessions,
your friends and your soul.
replacing them with rich fabrics
and a head like a doll's.
You, dear girl,
were duped.
Your dignity was next in line.
Plucked but not so much as
annihilated in utter indifference.
But ever resilient as the returning sun,
You faced your fortune
Gleaming and undaunted.
You, dear woman-child,
turned your venom
into a sweet poisoned spell,
out onto the landscape
in a selfish rain of opulence -
a thunderous downpour
of cake.
were sent to France.
To be a queen, they said.
you learned -
after Austria -
how to endure.
You, dear girl,
were sent to marry.
Your first deflowering
before you evem met him.
they removed your possessions,
your friends and your soul.
replacing them with rich fabrics
and a head like a doll's.
You, dear girl,
were duped.
Your dignity was next in line.
Plucked but not so much as
annihilated in utter indifference.
But ever resilient as the returning sun,
You faced your fortune
Gleaming and undaunted.
You, dear woman-child,
turned your venom
into a sweet poisoned spell,
out onto the landscape
in a selfish rain of opulence -
a thunderous downpour
of cake.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Field of Dreams
Oh field of flowers where I've roamed so long
sweetly smelling your births and decays
suffering the stings for the sun
your calla lillies and your dahlias
attracting creatures to feed upon you
as you grow ever taller and fuller
sweet field of poppies;
the black eyed Susans watch over you in envy
while the Irish bells ring their delicate chimes in the wind
I have bathed in your cacophony of color year in and year out; grateful as a hummingbird in Spring.
But this year as I wander
I long for the ocean, for far off sands and mountain tops
The sun seems hotter on my shoulders,
the insects seem more insistent on biting
and my feet do not take me all the way to where the shady Hostas grow
I fear, sweet meadow of my dreams,
soon you shall become a vision for my dreams but
my dream of dreams no more.
sweetly smelling your births and decays
suffering the stings for the sun
your calla lillies and your dahlias
attracting creatures to feed upon you
as you grow ever taller and fuller
sweet field of poppies;
the black eyed Susans watch over you in envy
while the Irish bells ring their delicate chimes in the wind
I have bathed in your cacophony of color year in and year out; grateful as a hummingbird in Spring.
But this year as I wander
I long for the ocean, for far off sands and mountain tops
The sun seems hotter on my shoulders,
the insects seem more insistent on biting
and my feet do not take me all the way to where the shady Hostas grow
I fear, sweet meadow of my dreams,
soon you shall become a vision for my dreams but
my dream of dreams no more.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Obama and his views regarding torture...
I don't pretend to know what it's like to be President of the United States. But I do understand one thing. I understand that idealism has a tendency to fade away when you're faced with facts. Ugly facts. Ideally we'd like to have no hate and no wars and no torture. But that is not the world we live in. When a man becomes president, no matter how peaceful and loving he is, a group of people who are long-time insiders sit with him and tell him things you and I cannot begin to conceive of. Things we weren't meant to hear and never will. There's a very good reason people look like hell when they're done with their 4 years as president. (Except for Bush cuz he's an idiot and he probably didn't even understand half of what was being said to him anyway.) The things the president is told behind closed doors change his outlook, change how he proceeds. We don't always know why these decisions are made. If we believe that all and all Obama is a good man with only the best of intentions for our future and our world, then we must also have faith that if he makes unpopular decisions there are reasons behind those decisions that perhaps we cannot ever fully understand.
As to the torture itself. People have been employing torture throughout the millennia. People have also been waging war for a variety of incredibly bad reasons throughout history as well. Torture is a part of war. If there is war, there will be torture. It is just a fact. Not a pleasant one, but nonetheless, it exists. It comes right out of the ugliness of war. Do people stop torturing to "get intelligence" and then make a sick game of it? Yes. They do that more than not. But this is where I think Obama is exercising a kind of fairness that is hard to explain. If you create a monster and set it loose on the world, do you blame the monster? I think he's chosen not to blame the monsters. Perhaps he's waiting to get at the creators. Perhaps he wants to eradicate war because with that eradication he understands torture will also be put to rest. I'm not sure what his thinking is. I do feel that he will make unpopular and seemingly incomprehensible decisions based on exactly this sort of thought process. We must wait and see where he is going and not jump to conclusions.
As to the torture itself. People have been employing torture throughout the millennia. People have also been waging war for a variety of incredibly bad reasons throughout history as well. Torture is a part of war. If there is war, there will be torture. It is just a fact. Not a pleasant one, but nonetheless, it exists. It comes right out of the ugliness of war. Do people stop torturing to "get intelligence" and then make a sick game of it? Yes. They do that more than not. But this is where I think Obama is exercising a kind of fairness that is hard to explain. If you create a monster and set it loose on the world, do you blame the monster? I think he's chosen not to blame the monsters. Perhaps he's waiting to get at the creators. Perhaps he wants to eradicate war because with that eradication he understands torture will also be put to rest. I'm not sure what his thinking is. I do feel that he will make unpopular and seemingly incomprehensible decisions based on exactly this sort of thought process. We must wait and see where he is going and not jump to conclusions.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Monique
Juicy pear;
Sweet and ripe for picking
Succulent skin to devour.
The vulchers -
who don’t eat fruit -
come at your flesh like
fresh kill,
raw carnage
savage feast
you, their tasty
desert dish
satisfy their
buzzard bloody beaks…
brimming full of your innocence and light.
they fly
ever upward to their perches
content in their bellies
empty in their souls, as their eyes;
half closed in sleep,
already search out the
next delicacy.
Sweet and ripe for picking
Succulent skin to devour.
The vulchers -
who don’t eat fruit -
come at your flesh like
fresh kill,
raw carnage
savage feast
you, their tasty
desert dish
satisfy their
buzzard bloody beaks…
brimming full of your innocence and light.
they fly
ever upward to their perches
content in their bellies
empty in their souls, as their eyes;
half closed in sleep,
already search out the
next delicacy.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Pondering after Psych Class
After my psych class, this guy walked up and asked George if he thought people can go their whole lives just not addressing some bad event and keeping there, unaddressed without necessarily turning to the torture of animals. On the drive home I thought about that some more. That guy sounds like there's something deep seeded that he wants to just sweep under the rug. I know all about that behavior. My husband is a huge rug sweeper type. It doesn't seem to result in any serious behavioral problems or "issues" (i.e., torturing small animals). But it does have an affect on him and on me sometimes, whether he realizes it or not.
Anyway, that conversation got me to thinking about all the different ways people cope with things. I said there were two great divides, in my view. People turn behavior inward or outward. But, while driving, I realized that can be either negative or positive. I think there is a great impetus to react negatively to negative events. In my view, the greater categories this falls into are 1) Negative affect turned out and 2) Negative affect turned inward. But then I thought some more and I realized there are plenty of people who've taken a horrible event and channeled it so it became a good thing. For example, the kid whose dad dies of heart disease and vows to be a great cardiac surgeon - and does! He could have easily become a Seligman and cut hearts out of mice or something but chose a different route. That begs the question - why? Why do so many people take their negative life events and run off to be rapists or drug abusers or cutters or killers and why do other people with similar pain go on to be doctors, lawyers, priests and Bach!?
Just something to ponder for today.
Anyway, that conversation got me to thinking about all the different ways people cope with things. I said there were two great divides, in my view. People turn behavior inward or outward. But, while driving, I realized that can be either negative or positive. I think there is a great impetus to react negatively to negative events. In my view, the greater categories this falls into are 1) Negative affect turned out and 2) Negative affect turned inward. But then I thought some more and I realized there are plenty of people who've taken a horrible event and channeled it so it became a good thing. For example, the kid whose dad dies of heart disease and vows to be a great cardiac surgeon - and does! He could have easily become a Seligman and cut hearts out of mice or something but chose a different route. That begs the question - why? Why do so many people take their negative life events and run off to be rapists or drug abusers or cutters or killers and why do other people with similar pain go on to be doctors, lawyers, priests and Bach!?
Just something to ponder for today.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Aaaaw.
I bitch and moan a lot but in the end I think I manage to see the bigger picture. My sister and I had a shitty argument that started the night before she had to go to be induced to give birth till that very morning. I've been angry with her for months because of her past behavior and we hadn't really aired our grievances. I had a lot of pent up anger. And it all bubbled to the surface around my niece's birth.
I just returned from visiting my sister in the hospital and meeting my new niece and now I feel like a first class heel for allowing myself to get all wrapped up in anger and ruining what was already a difficult day for my sister. I really wasn't thinking. If I'd been thinking I would have considered her feelings. I would have considered how hard childbirth can be. I would have thought how an already emotional day was even more emotional because of her not having the baby's dad around, her not having her family nearby, the upheaval and stress of the past year. When I saw her sitting in the room juxtaposed with the couple next to her, sitting in the bed together, balloons, grandparents, etc. That's when I realized that my sister really had had a hard night and a very difficult day the day before and all I did was make it even harder. I'm hoping that maybe, in a weird way, I gave her something else to focus on rather than the sadness or anxiety. She could focus on hating me for being clueless and emotionally fucked up rather than on getting depressed for having to go it alone. At least... I hope in the end I managed to inadvertently make it less sad. Anger is more productive than depression sometimes.
So, I think we might be able to go forward from here without too much damage. I think I left the hospital today with a better understanding of what she's gone through. And if she ever treats me the way she did last year again, I will immediately clock her rather than stew.
I just returned from visiting my sister in the hospital and meeting my new niece and now I feel like a first class heel for allowing myself to get all wrapped up in anger and ruining what was already a difficult day for my sister. I really wasn't thinking. If I'd been thinking I would have considered her feelings. I would have considered how hard childbirth can be. I would have thought how an already emotional day was even more emotional because of her not having the baby's dad around, her not having her family nearby, the upheaval and stress of the past year. When I saw her sitting in the room juxtaposed with the couple next to her, sitting in the bed together, balloons, grandparents, etc. That's when I realized that my sister really had had a hard night and a very difficult day the day before and all I did was make it even harder. I'm hoping that maybe, in a weird way, I gave her something else to focus on rather than the sadness or anxiety. She could focus on hating me for being clueless and emotionally fucked up rather than on getting depressed for having to go it alone. At least... I hope in the end I managed to inadvertently make it less sad. Anger is more productive than depression sometimes.
So, I think we might be able to go forward from here without too much damage. I think I left the hospital today with a better understanding of what she's gone through. And if she ever treats me the way she did last year again, I will immediately clock her rather than stew.
RUN FROM YOUR LIFE!!
Nope. I'm not English impaired. I don't mean "run FOR your life," I mean what I say - RUN FROM YOUR LIFE!!
If you're one of the fortunate ones who looks around your life and has a more or less stable family and good friends and a job you don't absolutely loathe, this blog isn't for you. If you're one of the truly fortunate ones who grew up in a loving, stable home where your hopes and dreams were supported and there was an even handed approach to your parents' parenting and you now love your life, married your best friend, have a job you look forward to, then this blog will probably make you mad at me and prompt you to leave me comments like, "Life is what you make it" or "why so negative?" I don't even want to hear from you types cuz you don't get it and you never will. Go be wonderfully sane somewhere else.
No. This blog post is for those of you who look around your lives and wonder - how the fuck did I get here? This is not what I wanted. Now what do I do?
I'm no guru. I don't have answers. I'm just giving my opinions on this unpredictably snowy morning. I woke up with a brilliant epiphany today. I have spent the past several years watching other people have temper tantrums that last one, two years. They do whatever they want. They run from relationships, run into bad ones, leave them, yank everyone around and they seem fine. As a matter of fact - they don't see the blood shed around them. Those people dare to get angry when you finally put your foot down and tell them you've had enough. Those truly clueless people fall into another entirely different category - they're the blameless!! Yes, the clueless blameless! They're like idiot savants, only much less attractive.
However, I think I've learned something from this behavior. I've concluded that if more of us who are sick of our relatives or tired of being stepped on or hate our jobs, just walked out and went on our merry ways, we might all be happier. How many times haven't you felt like irresponsibly chucking it all and skipping out of town? If you've read this far, I'll guess 100s, if not 1000s of times. But most of us are too responsible to actually do that. After all, people are counting on us. But see... that's just it. This morning I woke up and took stock. Who exactly are these people counting on me? In what way am I keeping myself from doing things I'd like to do because I'm so concerned about what other people need from me? So it occurred to me. I need to run from my life.
They say the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results. Well, if you apply that to the way your live or the way you approach your relationships, it should also apply, right? So, let's say you're a mother who keeps loaning her irresponsible son money each time he bangs up his car, loses his glasses, breaks someone's window, etc. Each time he smiles his huge smile and says, "wow Mom, thanks for getting me outta that one... you're the best!" You lecture him a few minutes, he nods, pays back $20 of the loan and then the cycle repeats. Eventually, you are LIVID with him. Loathing your own son but feeling guilty that you loathe him. Feeling that mothers shouldn't feel this way towards their sons. So you bottle it up and keep doling out the cash. Your son has figured this out and keeps behaving the same way, lecture or not. You know what that mom needs to do?
RUN FROM HER LIFE!!
Either literally or figuratively, she needs to get out. Because out is the only way to break this cycle. She either needs to find a way to stop loaning him the money and stop the empty lectures or quite literally - move out. Not take him with her and let him learn the hard way. Because if she's truly miserable, continuing this behavior will not result in happiness.
And that's what I'm talking about. Psychologists would take weeks, months, years, to get someone to understand why she's allowing herself to be a doormat. Why she can't seem to draw boundaries. Then she'd have to learn to undo all those years of bullshit. I say, take a short cut.
RUN FROM YOUR LIFE.
Just don't be there. If you're not there, they can't come to you. They can't abuse your good faith. No need to feel guilty. Just go somewhere else for a while. Reset. Regroup. Relearn who you are and just what got you to this state. And then maybe you can start over. Or maybe you'll get enough distance between you and your life so you can view it like an outsider and return to it with a clearer view of things.
I know this is all terribly impractical advice for most people. But if I can figure out how to do it, I'm considering taking this advice and trying it on for size. If I do, I'll blog again from some undisclosed location.
If you're one of the fortunate ones who looks around your life and has a more or less stable family and good friends and a job you don't absolutely loathe, this blog isn't for you. If you're one of the truly fortunate ones who grew up in a loving, stable home where your hopes and dreams were supported and there was an even handed approach to your parents' parenting and you now love your life, married your best friend, have a job you look forward to, then this blog will probably make you mad at me and prompt you to leave me comments like, "Life is what you make it" or "why so negative?" I don't even want to hear from you types cuz you don't get it and you never will. Go be wonderfully sane somewhere else.
No. This blog post is for those of you who look around your lives and wonder - how the fuck did I get here? This is not what I wanted. Now what do I do?
I'm no guru. I don't have answers. I'm just giving my opinions on this unpredictably snowy morning. I woke up with a brilliant epiphany today. I have spent the past several years watching other people have temper tantrums that last one, two years. They do whatever they want. They run from relationships, run into bad ones, leave them, yank everyone around and they seem fine. As a matter of fact - they don't see the blood shed around them. Those people dare to get angry when you finally put your foot down and tell them you've had enough. Those truly clueless people fall into another entirely different category - they're the blameless!! Yes, the clueless blameless! They're like idiot savants, only much less attractive.
However, I think I've learned something from this behavior. I've concluded that if more of us who are sick of our relatives or tired of being stepped on or hate our jobs, just walked out and went on our merry ways, we might all be happier. How many times haven't you felt like irresponsibly chucking it all and skipping out of town? If you've read this far, I'll guess 100s, if not 1000s of times. But most of us are too responsible to actually do that. After all, people are counting on us. But see... that's just it. This morning I woke up and took stock. Who exactly are these people counting on me? In what way am I keeping myself from doing things I'd like to do because I'm so concerned about what other people need from me? So it occurred to me. I need to run from my life.
They say the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results. Well, if you apply that to the way your live or the way you approach your relationships, it should also apply, right? So, let's say you're a mother who keeps loaning her irresponsible son money each time he bangs up his car, loses his glasses, breaks someone's window, etc. Each time he smiles his huge smile and says, "wow Mom, thanks for getting me outta that one... you're the best!" You lecture him a few minutes, he nods, pays back $20 of the loan and then the cycle repeats. Eventually, you are LIVID with him. Loathing your own son but feeling guilty that you loathe him. Feeling that mothers shouldn't feel this way towards their sons. So you bottle it up and keep doling out the cash. Your son has figured this out and keeps behaving the same way, lecture or not. You know what that mom needs to do?
RUN FROM HER LIFE!!
Either literally or figuratively, she needs to get out. Because out is the only way to break this cycle. She either needs to find a way to stop loaning him the money and stop the empty lectures or quite literally - move out. Not take him with her and let him learn the hard way. Because if she's truly miserable, continuing this behavior will not result in happiness.
And that's what I'm talking about. Psychologists would take weeks, months, years, to get someone to understand why she's allowing herself to be a doormat. Why she can't seem to draw boundaries. Then she'd have to learn to undo all those years of bullshit. I say, take a short cut.
RUN FROM YOUR LIFE.
Just don't be there. If you're not there, they can't come to you. They can't abuse your good faith. No need to feel guilty. Just go somewhere else for a while. Reset. Regroup. Relearn who you are and just what got you to this state. And then maybe you can start over. Or maybe you'll get enough distance between you and your life so you can view it like an outsider and return to it with a clearer view of things.
I know this is all terribly impractical advice for most people. But if I can figure out how to do it, I'm considering taking this advice and trying it on for size. If I do, I'll blog again from some undisclosed location.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Insomniac Thoughts
I have crappy insomnia. It is 6:25 am and I've been up since 2:30am. I went to bed at 11pm exhausted after a stressful day. I must say, though, that I put my insomnia to good use. I got a bunch of things done and sent out emails and cleaned my downstairs bathroom which REALLY needed it. So... that's something, I guess.
I have too much on my mind. There's the obvious stuff. Dad and insurance and money and papers to be signed and mom and her results on Thursday and my sister giving birth soon and feeling torn about not being able to be at her side... that there is already plenty, I think. But for some reason, the thing that seems to be lingering in my brain this morning is how I feel about singing. I haven't sung very much in the 2 months that dad's been ill but I practiced a bit Monday so I wouldn't be totally unprepared for chorus Monday night and I am just having some strange feelings about singing. On the one hand I was pleasantly surprised that despite barely singing, my voice is feeling pretty good and sounding pretty decent. I feel that if I really wanted to, I could pull myself together and do some good singing within a short amount of time.
But do I really want to? That's the problem I'm grappling with. I don't feel compelled to sing anymore. Here I am finishing up a degree in music with the consideration of moving forward to a pedagogy degree. The other night my friend introduced me to someone and added, "she's an opera singer". The woman asked where I was singing and I answered "presently, nowhere." I'm an opera singer who's not singing. What's worse, I'm an opera singer who doesn't particular feel like singing. I mean, I do and I don't. I still work on my voice when I can (which lately has been almost never, but these are not normal circumstances). I still like my voice and like what I'm capable of doing with it and the responses I can elicit with it. I still fantasize about doing a great big fun role with orchestra and lately, I've been thinking it might be a good idea to record some songs and arias for posterity. So if I do decide to call it quits I can have something to point to and say, "I used to sing like this."
But I don't get a true charge out of it anymore. I still enjoy teaching very much but I'm just not sure that I want to do that on an ongoing basis as a means to a paycheck. It's as if everything I ever thought I knew about myself has been turned on its ear in the past couple of years. This has been coming slowly for the past few years, I think. But now I'm really feeling it. Now I really have this feeling that maybe my lifelong goal is ready to take a comfortable backseat to some new goals. I think I'll still sing on some level or another. And I entertain the fantasy that maybe I'll even get a nice juicy role to sing once or twice more before I really call it quits. But I think I am feeling an internal tug to move into completely new territory.
It goes back to that feeling of being "charged". My life isn't making me feel anything but studying psychology fills me with a new buzz I haven't felt in a long time. Buzz. I am trying to figure out what feels warm and inviting and what doesn't. I spent years chasing down the singing career but it never really felt warm and inviting. It felt a little chilling and threatening most of the time. And I spent most of my time feeling like I was slaying a dragon. I think I'd like not to do that anymore. I want to wrap the coming years of my life in a warm, comfortable, sometimes exilirating, blanket of new-lease-on-life. I want to walk towards the things that resonate in me. And since I've started taking psych courses I'm feeling something like new possibilities.
I've just signed up for neuropsychology over the summer. I'm not even sure what that is exactly. But I'm psyched cuz I am very excited to learn about the brain's connection to our emotions, memories, learning, behavior, habits, speech, etc... I find that stuff fascinating. And, in light of what's going on with dad, I think it will be helpful for me. At least that's my hope. I don't know... I'm letting myself get pulled by the warm wave. I think it's time.
I have too much on my mind. There's the obvious stuff. Dad and insurance and money and papers to be signed and mom and her results on Thursday and my sister giving birth soon and feeling torn about not being able to be at her side... that there is already plenty, I think. But for some reason, the thing that seems to be lingering in my brain this morning is how I feel about singing. I haven't sung very much in the 2 months that dad's been ill but I practiced a bit Monday so I wouldn't be totally unprepared for chorus Monday night and I am just having some strange feelings about singing. On the one hand I was pleasantly surprised that despite barely singing, my voice is feeling pretty good and sounding pretty decent. I feel that if I really wanted to, I could pull myself together and do some good singing within a short amount of time.
But do I really want to? That's the problem I'm grappling with. I don't feel compelled to sing anymore. Here I am finishing up a degree in music with the consideration of moving forward to a pedagogy degree. The other night my friend introduced me to someone and added, "she's an opera singer". The woman asked where I was singing and I answered "presently, nowhere." I'm an opera singer who's not singing. What's worse, I'm an opera singer who doesn't particular feel like singing. I mean, I do and I don't. I still work on my voice when I can (which lately has been almost never, but these are not normal circumstances). I still like my voice and like what I'm capable of doing with it and the responses I can elicit with it. I still fantasize about doing a great big fun role with orchestra and lately, I've been thinking it might be a good idea to record some songs and arias for posterity. So if I do decide to call it quits I can have something to point to and say, "I used to sing like this."
But I don't get a true charge out of it anymore. I still enjoy teaching very much but I'm just not sure that I want to do that on an ongoing basis as a means to a paycheck. It's as if everything I ever thought I knew about myself has been turned on its ear in the past couple of years. This has been coming slowly for the past few years, I think. But now I'm really feeling it. Now I really have this feeling that maybe my lifelong goal is ready to take a comfortable backseat to some new goals. I think I'll still sing on some level or another. And I entertain the fantasy that maybe I'll even get a nice juicy role to sing once or twice more before I really call it quits. But I think I am feeling an internal tug to move into completely new territory.
It goes back to that feeling of being "charged". My life isn't making me feel anything but studying psychology fills me with a new buzz I haven't felt in a long time. Buzz. I am trying to figure out what feels warm and inviting and what doesn't. I spent years chasing down the singing career but it never really felt warm and inviting. It felt a little chilling and threatening most of the time. And I spent most of my time feeling like I was slaying a dragon. I think I'd like not to do that anymore. I want to wrap the coming years of my life in a warm, comfortable, sometimes exilirating, blanket of new-lease-on-life. I want to walk towards the things that resonate in me. And since I've started taking psych courses I'm feeling something like new possibilities.
I've just signed up for neuropsychology over the summer. I'm not even sure what that is exactly. But I'm psyched cuz I am very excited to learn about the brain's connection to our emotions, memories, learning, behavior, habits, speech, etc... I find that stuff fascinating. And, in light of what's going on with dad, I think it will be helpful for me. At least that's my hope. I don't know... I'm letting myself get pulled by the warm wave. I think it's time.
Monday, January 26, 2009
I Refute Thee
Death & Me
I've shunned Death;
cold shoulder and all.
He stomped his foot before
me but I just wandered by.
He tried to distract me
while he took a man & child
but wise to him I held my gaze away.
Death then took a biker &
a couple Christmas eve.
My icy heart stole itself
against his disease.
Shudder he did,
as I sealed my focus deep.
Which Death took as an insult
as he closed in on me.
With force & in emnity
Has he down the gauntlet thrown;
a formidable threat from that mephitic foe.
My sweet father has uptaken it -
They are dueling as I sit
refusing Death's morbid show,
"Death.
You can force me to look upon you
the day you come for me. But
My father is a strong opponent
and his Father is with him."
I've shunned Death;
cold shoulder and all.
He stomped his foot before
me but I just wandered by.
He tried to distract me
while he took a man & child
but wise to him I held my gaze away.
Death then took a biker &
a couple Christmas eve.
My icy heart stole itself
against his disease.
Shudder he did,
as I sealed my focus deep.
Which Death took as an insult
as he closed in on me.
With force & in emnity
Has he down the gauntlet thrown;
a formidable threat from that mephitic foe.
My sweet father has uptaken it -
They are dueling as I sit
refusing Death's morbid show,
"Death.
You can force me to look upon you
the day you come for me. But
My father is a strong opponent
and his Father is with him."
Friday, January 23, 2009
Dad.
My dad is dying. Even if he survives this, I was just in his room and something's changed. Some of the fight is leaving him. I could feel that something was different today than yesterday. I'm so afraid that even if he makes it out of this he will be soul crushingly changed. Then what? How are we to do this? I already miss the him I knew my whole life and this man in the bed with the tubes in him seems like a shell of my former dad. I can't think, I can't speak. I can't have “deep thoughts”. I just can't right now.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Congratulations, US Airways Flight 1549!
I'm watching the news about this plane which just went down in the Hudson. They're going on and on about procedures, and "what happened?" and "were there geese involved"? Why did he land in the Hudson? Why didn't he go on to Neward? Yada yada... I say throw a party!! Everyone is alive!! A plane actually had a successful "water landing and people are walking off!! Yay!!
They just showed one of the women getting off. She is wet and cold and wearing an uncomfortable yellow life vest. But, by God, she's smiling! Cuz no one who's ever heard the words "water landing" without thinking "kick your ass goodbye". These people probably thought that on the way down and they are just thrilled that they are walking away a little wet and cold. Some of them may catch pneumonia and need antibiotics. Wow... that's some amazing good luck. And I now feel a tiny bit better about the phrase "water landing".
They just showed one of the women getting off. She is wet and cold and wearing an uncomfortable yellow life vest. But, by God, she's smiling! Cuz no one who's ever heard the words "water landing" without thinking "kick your ass goodbye". These people probably thought that on the way down and they are just thrilled that they are walking away a little wet and cold. Some of them may catch pneumonia and need antibiotics. Wow... that's some amazing good luck. And I now feel a tiny bit better about the phrase "water landing".
Friday, January 9, 2009
Sufi Cab Driver
I took a cab ride with the loveliest, shining Indian man yesterday. We had the most enlightened conversation. I felt he must be a shaman or Hindu god sent here to deliver his wisdom from ca ride to cab ride. We talked about people of the world needing to be more respectful & accepting of each other. We talked about a need to communicate in a tolerant and open way. We discussed Obama. He said that there is hope there because Obama is a man who is open to communicating with those who do not share his views and finding compromises. This is how the world needs to begin to behave if we are to heal ourselves. He said something that's so in line with my recent phenomenological studies that I was taken by surprise-could he be reading my life from my face? He said that we all walk around speaking lies to the outside world, and in doing so we lie to ourselves. He said the truth, which is within us, finds a way to show itself anyway . He said the world would be a better place if more of us spoke truth. Honesty. Not an insistence that others see your point of view or an argumentative stance. But a calm exchange of ideas. Say your mind, speak your heart. If you are a bit racist against someone, don't necessarily pretend that you are. But wouldn't it be a better world if someone could openly say, “I have a problem with Jews” thus allowing the non-racist ideas to be presented? It might not change the way that person feels but having spoken his truth, his particularly honesty, without venom, would allow other truths to enter his soul. So long as he or she is guarding that truth behind a mask of lies, then there is no hope of opening a dialogue that might cause a change of heart. I loved having this conversation because since taking a class in phenomenological psychology, I have come to realize I've always felt this way. People shy away from difficult conversations. They are afraid of the anger and hurt that might be caused by speaking their mind. We have been taught to suppress so much. And yet, it is like my cabbie friend said, “the truth is inside of you and will show itself even if you try to present a lie to the outside world.” We've all experienced the person who says, “Oh yes, I like this very much” but meanwhile their face is all shrivelled up in a look of disgust. The truth is there beyond the words. It would just be easier if we could respectfully say what we are thinking and learn to keep boundaries to allow each other to be real. More would be accomplished, I believe.
He then told me a wonderful story. It was the only time during our talk that the NY skeptic in me thought he might be telling tales. But no matter. There is such beauty in his tale so I will retell it as he told me.
A few years ago he had a small convenience store. A guy walks in, slams a bottle of beer on the counter and follows it with and throws a dollar on the counter. My cabbie says, “that's $2.50”. The guy menacingly growls, “I onlyhave the dollar.” My friend (I regret I didn't get his name and couldn't see his license plaque from where I sat) says, “Then get a smaller bottle. There are some small ones there for a dollar.” The guy pulls a gun on him and points it at him. Now my new friend says the following, “My friend, if you're going to shoot me, shoot. I hope you've thought this through. I hope you've considered what this all means. I cannot change what is about to happen. Does that bullet have my name on it? Because if it does, then there is nothing I can say right now to change what you're about to do. Does that bullet have my name on it? If it does, then go ahead. I cannot change it. Is this how you would like to live the rest of your life?” The guy was apparently taken aback by this and looked quizzically at the store owner and then laughed, put the gun down, shook his hand and took his dollar and left.” I'm not sure at this point if the cabbie was making things up but his tone of voice and our previous conversation leads me to think he probably wasn't. Perhaps his words had a powerful effect on this would-be-robber. Perhaps he'd gained his respect by not fearing him. And maybe also, he got incredibly lucky. But I think the robber had never seen such light and decided not to snuff it. I believe he was practicing what we were just discussing - the power of speaking your truth and hoping to reach that spot in another person where their truth also lives. I was very touched by it.
I had asked that he drop me off at Memorial Sloan Kettering. As I'm getting out of the cab he asked, “who are you seeing here?” I answered, “my mom”. He said, “I will put her in my prayers.” I felt so good. I thanked him and wished him many blessings. There was something very special about him and I walked away so happy that this sweet soul would be praying for the health of my mother.
He then told me a wonderful story. It was the only time during our talk that the NY skeptic in me thought he might be telling tales. But no matter. There is such beauty in his tale so I will retell it as he told me.
A few years ago he had a small convenience store. A guy walks in, slams a bottle of beer on the counter and follows it with and throws a dollar on the counter. My cabbie says, “that's $2.50”. The guy menacingly growls, “I onlyhave the dollar.” My friend (I regret I didn't get his name and couldn't see his license plaque from where I sat) says, “Then get a smaller bottle. There are some small ones there for a dollar.” The guy pulls a gun on him and points it at him. Now my new friend says the following, “My friend, if you're going to shoot me, shoot. I hope you've thought this through. I hope you've considered what this all means. I cannot change what is about to happen. Does that bullet have my name on it? Because if it does, then there is nothing I can say right now to change what you're about to do. Does that bullet have my name on it? If it does, then go ahead. I cannot change it. Is this how you would like to live the rest of your life?” The guy was apparently taken aback by this and looked quizzically at the store owner and then laughed, put the gun down, shook his hand and took his dollar and left.” I'm not sure at this point if the cabbie was making things up but his tone of voice and our previous conversation leads me to think he probably wasn't. Perhaps his words had a powerful effect on this would-be-robber. Perhaps he'd gained his respect by not fearing him. And maybe also, he got incredibly lucky. But I think the robber had never seen such light and decided not to snuff it. I believe he was practicing what we were just discussing - the power of speaking your truth and hoping to reach that spot in another person where their truth also lives. I was very touched by it.
I had asked that he drop me off at Memorial Sloan Kettering. As I'm getting out of the cab he asked, “who are you seeing here?” I answered, “my mom”. He said, “I will put her in my prayers.” I felt so good. I thanked him and wished him many blessings. There was something very special about him and I walked away so happy that this sweet soul would be praying for the health of my mother.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Kaleidoscope
We are God’s kaleidoscope.
Super nova twists and trines;
Eerie spots of rich design
For the drinking of his awesome eye.
We are God’s day time TV show.
Mindless twitter as he forms orbs;
His anthill, his pigeons, his busy little bees.
A distraction we make for the corner of his glee.
We are God’s late night movie.
When he’s bored with truthful work;
The squabbles, feeble struggles, silly conquests, stupid wars.
He falls asleep, it’s such a bore.
We are in God’s kaleidoscope.
Blue-green marble in the sky;
Floating closer to his eye.
Spinning, grinning – we are prized.
Super nova twists and trines;
Eerie spots of rich design
For the drinking of his awesome eye.
We are God’s day time TV show.
Mindless twitter as he forms orbs;
His anthill, his pigeons, his busy little bees.
A distraction we make for the corner of his glee.
We are God’s late night movie.
When he’s bored with truthful work;
The squabbles, feeble struggles, silly conquests, stupid wars.
He falls asleep, it’s such a bore.
We are in God’s kaleidoscope.
Blue-green marble in the sky;
Floating closer to his eye.
Spinning, grinning – we are prized.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Trilogia
te veo pero no te siento - menos que una sombra menos que un lamento un nada vacio como el fin del universo mas allá de la luna. no me extraña tu mirada pero si me extraña un poco la falta de quererte. | Trilogía Por Celia Castro Oct. 17, 2008 |
siento un latido un genuino lucero crecido; una batida que al comienzo burbuja pero al fin se queda silenciada. que febríl y aun refinada son las tantas explosivas pequeñas de sabor a ti | |
he soñada que te vi e inanimada como una estatua sonreí pero solo para ver quién de los dos era humano o cual de los dos éramos echo de mármol. entonces giraste en un pie hacia la carretera y yo - asombrada y atontada me di de cuenta que era yo la que servía de plataforma para los pájaros. y así, dentro de mi armadura se me rompió el corazón. porque te fuiste sin reconocerme. |
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Truthfulness and disclosure
You know? I think I freak out my friends. I don't mean to. Most of the time I'm a lot of fun, tell loads of jokes, am very silly, etc. But then, when I get in my crap moods and feel insecure and overwhelmed I think it's okay to voice my inner turpitude to my friends. But what I find is they get skiddish. They kind of go away and become unresponsive. I don't know if it's more like, "I can't deal with her" or if it's more like, "she's crazy" or if it's more like, "I don't know what to say to her when she's like this." Whatever it is, it makes me feel like a freak.
Am I the only one who tends to go on rants when something is on my mind? Is it really only a friendship if all you do is pretend to be happy even when you're not? Or if you don't voice things that are bothering you? Cuz it certainly feels that way to me. I can't seem to make any real friends since returning to school. I made a few friends, yes, but they don't seem to be enduring. You know? They don't include me in things or invite me to stuff and I've noticed a very definite sideways scuttle from them at times. I think they mostly like me but hold me at arm's length a bit. Like they know better than to get too entangled or else the barbs will get caught in their hair. It's weird. But it's been like that most of my life so I guess I'm kind of used to it.
Am I the only one who tends to go on rants when something is on my mind? Is it really only a friendship if all you do is pretend to be happy even when you're not? Or if you don't voice things that are bothering you? Cuz it certainly feels that way to me. I can't seem to make any real friends since returning to school. I made a few friends, yes, but they don't seem to be enduring. You know? They don't include me in things or invite me to stuff and I've noticed a very definite sideways scuttle from them at times. I think they mostly like me but hold me at arm's length a bit. Like they know better than to get too entangled or else the barbs will get caught in their hair. It's weird. But it's been like that most of my life so I guess I'm kind of used to it.
Instability
I think that finally, after years of having various people say it to me, I'll have to come to terms with it and admit that maybe I'm just unstable. There, I said it.
It's not something Rob likes to hear me admitting to because in his world, acknowledging a shortcoming is like giving it life. But after years and years of pretending to be a completely rational and sane person, I don't find that I'm feeling any saner. In fact, I think lately I've had the most intense periods of feeling completely unhinged that I've ever had. Luckily, those days are filled with many other days when I feel just fine and happy. Otherwise it would seriously be time to commit me.
But this is exactly why I say I'm unstable. I do fluctuate between feeling totally okay and fine with my world as it is to be unbelievably despondent, angry and saddened about the way my life long ambitions have been met with increasingly closed doors.
The closed doors are an enormous problem lately. I sit in front of them and cry. Or I bang on them like a banshee and scream. Or I quietly stare at them in suffering and contemplation and inwardly seethe or die.
I'm doing so much inner dying lately that I'm not sure some days if I can't officially be classified as the walking dead. I think this is a problem. Seems like it is, don't you think?
And yet, I have days like this Sunday when I went for a walk and felt so good with the sun on my face and I met a couple who had a blue and gold macaw and I sang to them. The couple, the macaw and their dogs. And they loved my singing. And it was nice, for once, to have my singing appreciated.
I'm in this fucking obnoxious school where my singing might as well be nails on a chalkboard. The way I'm being treated is like so much crap. I walked in with high hopes and they've all been dashed. And, as if that weren't bad enough, I'm getting the crazy-lady look from certain people.
FINE! WHY DON'T I JUST BEHAVE LIKE THE CRAZY LADY THEN!!?? Seriously. I want to just start running around on campus behaving on the outside the way I feel on the inside. And then maybe they'll commit me and I just won't have to deal with this bullshit anymore.
(I realize this has been a complete unhinged rant. But that was the point. I wanted to go all stream of consciousness and this is what came out.)
It's not something Rob likes to hear me admitting to because in his world, acknowledging a shortcoming is like giving it life. But after years and years of pretending to be a completely rational and sane person, I don't find that I'm feeling any saner. In fact, I think lately I've had the most intense periods of feeling completely unhinged that I've ever had. Luckily, those days are filled with many other days when I feel just fine and happy. Otherwise it would seriously be time to commit me.
But this is exactly why I say I'm unstable. I do fluctuate between feeling totally okay and fine with my world as it is to be unbelievably despondent, angry and saddened about the way my life long ambitions have been met with increasingly closed doors.
The closed doors are an enormous problem lately. I sit in front of them and cry. Or I bang on them like a banshee and scream. Or I quietly stare at them in suffering and contemplation and inwardly seethe or die.
I'm doing so much inner dying lately that I'm not sure some days if I can't officially be classified as the walking dead. I think this is a problem. Seems like it is, don't you think?
And yet, I have days like this Sunday when I went for a walk and felt so good with the sun on my face and I met a couple who had a blue and gold macaw and I sang to them. The couple, the macaw and their dogs. And they loved my singing. And it was nice, for once, to have my singing appreciated.
I'm in this fucking obnoxious school where my singing might as well be nails on a chalkboard. The way I'm being treated is like so much crap. I walked in with high hopes and they've all been dashed. And, as if that weren't bad enough, I'm getting the crazy-lady look from certain people.
FINE! WHY DON'T I JUST BEHAVE LIKE THE CRAZY LADY THEN!!?? Seriously. I want to just start running around on campus behaving on the outside the way I feel on the inside. And then maybe they'll commit me and I just won't have to deal with this bullshit anymore.
(I realize this has been a complete unhinged rant. But that was the point. I wanted to go all stream of consciousness and this is what came out.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)